Time to stop playing house…

Question:

I would first like to thank you for your time. I should probably start with some background information: I am a 24 year old female, I work full time, and go to school full time as well. The guy I am with now is 25, does not have a college degree, and works obscured hours at an upscale restaurant. I was in my first serious relationship when I was 16, with a guy I dated for 3 years. I was single for about a year (dated but nothing serious) and jumped back into a relationship, with the guy I am currently with. We moved in together 5 months after we met. We have never gone on a vacation by ourselves, we got away once, but we went with his friend. Occasionally we will go to dinner by ourselves. We never go out by ourselves, it is always with friends. Since he works all the time, including weekends, the only time we have to spend with each other is a weeknights, (minus Fridays..busy at the restaurant). I go to class 2 out of the 5 weeknights, and tend to have a lot of homework, but I am willing to sacrifice some time for us to go out together alone. I have a lot of male friends, including his friends. His friends are friends that he went to high school with, so he trusts them. But if I want to go out on a Friday night and play pool, I will call up one of his friends, Whom I consider my friends as well. Or if I am feeling a Thirsty Thurs, I will call one of his friends. I would say for the past 6 months things have been going down hill. I think that because we do not do things together as a couple, it is drawing us apart. I have confronted him twice about not doing things together, but I don’t feel as though he thinks it is a problem. A week ago he accepted a position at work where he works until 2am. So I honestly never see him. It was bad before, but I think the job will only make things worse.  He went out with his friends a couple days ago and didn’t invite me. I feel as though if he has time to hang out with his friends, he should make time for “us”. I am a cool girlfriend, if he wants men night that is fine, but he has got to put in some effort to spend time with me. Since we are growing apart, I am fighting myself not to fight fire with fire, and just go and do my own thing. We have not yet talked about our feelings, but I don’t know how that will go. He is horrible with telling me how he feels, or giving opinions, or making decisions. I wanted to seek your advice first. I am very independent, and if this is not working out, I don’t want to waste my time.

Answer:

I would have told you if you had asked that you shouldn’t have moved in together. Doing so gives the illusion of commitment. Whereas marriage is an actually commitment that one makes with another. He has no real commitment to you other than as a roommate sharing rent. He may have some type of feelings for you, but it seems VERY evident that he is not into you as much as you may into him. Dating is about gathering information. It seems like you have a great deal of information and now need to make a choice.

Focus on your kid not your love life…

Question:

My boyfriend and I just recently after dating for a year have moved in together.  I have a two and half year old and he has also a two and half year old along with a five year old.  They are all girls.  He has his daughters every week Monday through Wednesday. The issue I’m am starting to have is that he is picking on my daughter a lot In front of his girls along with just me around on the weekends.  My daughter likes to whine a lot along with the normal throwing fits.  I do correct this as much as I can, but it seems like it’s never good enough for him.  He is always comparing my daughter to his two year old. saying she never throws fits like that.  This is now starting to cause fights between us and making it hard for me to continue being loving towards him.  What type of suggestions do you have for me about this?  I do love my boyfriend, but I don’t want my daughter growing up thinking she is an outcast. Please help

Answer:

This is the reason that you shouldn’t be living with one another. It will get worse as they all get older. What does this look like when they are teens? Yikes, I don’t think I would want to be in this house. What I generally suggest in situations like this is that you focus on raising your daughter without the distraction of a boyfriend. I would say the same to him if he was asking me. Your child wants to your time and energy. She doesn’t want a stranger (BF) telling her what is wrong with her especially in front of other children. It may not be what you want to hear, but based on my experience and stats what is best for your child is you not you and a boyfriend.

It’s actually your wedding…

Question:

My fiancée and I are getting married this summer and my mother has requested that my grandparents not be invited to the wedding.  She does not have a good relationship with my grandmother and has said that if they come to the ceremony, it will ruin the day for her.  I do not have anything against my grandparents; they have always been nice to me and have given me Christmas money since I was a kid.  It would be rude for me not to invite them.  Also, my fiancee and I are paying for the wedding. My grandmother can be very controlling and was very strict in raising my mother and her siblings–it’s left a sour taste in my mom’s mouth.  She complains all the time about my grandmother, but when I suggest she confront her about the problems, she doesn’t want to.  I feel like she is being childish and that it’s time for her to deal with her problems and not try to use me as a way to get to my grandmother. My grandparents are coming to visit from overseas this month and my mom sent me an email reiterating her wishes, as well as letting me know that she won’t be discussing the wedding with them if they ask. Am I justified in inviting them or should I respect my mom’s wishes and not?  After all, she’s got the problems, not me.

Answer:

Believe it or not this is YOUR wedding, not your mom’s little social adventure. If your mother is so selfish she can’t control her behavior for two – three hours during this wedding, maybe it is your mother who should not be invited to the wedding. She should come to the wedding and keep her mouth shut. If she can’t then I guess she doesn’t come.

He’s not interested in commitment…

Question:

I am a 43 year old/year old female who has been dating this man who is now 52. He keeps saying that he wants to make a commitment, but has not as of yet. I have been very patient. However, over the last 6 months, I met a man on-line, then met him for lunch, etc. We get along great. He is 41 and we seem to have a lot in common. I still care for this man I have dated for the last 5 years, but I feel more alive with the 41 year old/o. I think I have fallen in love with both of them. Is this possible? The man I have dated for 5 years, now comes and goes in and out of my house at his leisure. It really is upsetting me. Plus, my daughter who is 14 is getting upset about him as well. How do I break off from him nicely and without hurting him.

Answer:

It is fairly obvious he is not interested in making a commitment to you. You are showing your daughter your weakness. I would suggest you find out what this guys intentions are. Then let him know that if things don’t change in the next 2 months you will be moving on. It’s not a threat it’s just a fact. You seem to be wasting your time with this one guy. Chances are you will again be wasting your time with the online fantasy guy as well. I would STRONGLY suggest you focus on raising your daughter instead of showing her how easily swayed by men you are.

I do think something is wrong…

Question:

so its been about 8 months since me and my boy friend seperated and he was at times abusive and emotionally abusive, and for some reason i dont know why i miss him and still think of being with him. he has hit me, humiliated me in front my friends and family, cheated on my with family members and friends of mine, and was a horrible father to our kid we have together. everytime i think about wanting to get back with him  i think of all the horrible things he did to me and my kid but late at night when its time for bed i lay there thinking how nice it would be to just snuggle with him one more time, and kiss him, i dont know whats wrong with my i love him but i shouldnt and all common sense is telling me theres something wrong with me for loving him but we we’re together for 5 years and i let him lie to me and i would just pretend everything was ok just to keep the peace and then he would cheat on me and go and brag about it to his friends and then tell me they we’re crazy and trying to break us up but i wasnt that stupid, i dunno so what i think im trying to ask is, is there something wrong with me because im still inlove with him or am i just lonley and confused? everytime i did get back with him things only changed for like a week and then went right back the way it was before where i felt used and neglected and taken for granted.

Answer:

Rachel, If you really think you deserve what he has to offer then stay in the relationship. If you don’t like it then get out. What I would really suggest is that BEFORE you date any more you seek out someone to help you understand why you make these poor choices. If you don’t seek out the help you will continue on in dating losers. So yes, I think there is something wrong with you and you should get things figured out.

Stay out of it…

Question:

First off let me thank you in advance for reading my question about this situation. My sister has a very controlling mother in law that in my opinion really crossed the line this past weekend concerning my sister’s son.  My sister has been having some problems with her son talking back and smarting off to her and she has tried everything like grounding him from his toys, friends things like that and none of it has worked so she finally decides to spank him and her mother in law was there in my sister’s home when it happened and she went nuts threatening my sister saying she is calling social services on her and proceeded to brainwash my sister’s son telling him that his mother hates him. Now mind you his father was not there and the mother in law left and later called him with the extreme saying that my sister was beating her son and wouldnt stop.  This child has no marks whatsoever on him and she swatted him twice on his behind and the father believed her over my sister(his wife of 18 years)!  I know my sister would never abuse her son, it took her having 5 miscarriages just to have him and he is their only child and i’m just appauled at this whole situation.  I wanted to take a step back and get anothers opinion on the subject cause I dont want to give her the wrong advice. Can you give some insight maybe to this?? The mother in law has done this before to her other son and caused them to divorce and since he has remarried and she is also currently causing trouble in their marriage as well but he at least stands up for his wife!!!!

Answer:

Regina, I would strongly suggest you stay out of it. You don’t know everything that goes on in that marriage. You only know what your sister tells you and she is biased. Since you weren’t there for any of what you describe again you are only hearing from a person who wants to put themself in a favorable light. I think your sisters marriage is already rocky and it’s not because of the mother-in-law.

Love your husband…

Question:

My husband and I are separated.  Separation set to last six months.  Bad problems – verbal and mental abuse.  We are currently in counseling – both together and separately.  Problem is I just found out that my brother-in-law (my husband’s sister’s husband) is sexually attracted to me.  I think I feel the same way.  I know its probably hopeless.  His marriage is not in good shape either.  We have been confiding in eachother.  What is going on here?

Answer:

Kim, What is going on is that you are purposely making your marriage not work. If you put as much energy into your marriage as you are doing with your brother-in-law your marriage probably wouldn’t be in the type of trouble it is in. I suggest you stop immediately what you are doing with brother-in-law. It will only result in devastation for the family at large.

He’s not into you…

Question:

I was dating my boyfriend for almost 7 years.  He comes from a family of haters-by that, I mean that they hate anyone and everyone for no good reason.  This did not exclude me.  Over the past few years I have been the recipient of rude, degrading and obnoxious comments and disrepsectful behavior.   After a while a pulled away from his family and interacted with them less and less.  The second I tried to re-surface, his sister (who I beleive was the ring leader in the vendetta against me) started a huge fight with my boyfriend over me; encouraging him to break up with me.  Since I never did anything wrong to any of them, I have always asked him to defend me.  He never would.  I asked him again and again.  Finally, we wound up breaking up because he said he didn’t know how to make the situation better.  I am beside myself because I know we both really love each other, we both invested a lot of time into this relationship, and we broke up over basically no reason.  I beleive that the reason he hasn’t asked me to marry him after 6 years is because his family disaproves.  They have no basis, like I said they are just haters.  Now he won’t even take my calls.  He has shut me out like I’m a stranger or a piece of garbage.  I don’t know what to do to get him to realize that I am worth fighting for and his family are the ones who need to re-evaluate thier behavior.  Help!

Answer:

Suzanne, Please don’t try to convince yourself that what you have with him is love. If after 7 years he is not going to fight for him, you CAN”T make him. It is very sad that it seems like you wasted a great portion of your life with this guy. You actually need to recognize that he is not into you anymore despite what you think. If you have to work this hard to convince someone that they are into you it doesn’t seem worth it. I would strongly suggest you move on and learn from this experience.

Get to her heart…

Question:

We are a family of 6, recently merged.  All four are girls and overall are all very good.  One of the middle daughters, who just turned 12, is seeming to have a lot of issues that we cant seem to find a way to address.  Primarily she is continually choosing to make poor decisions and invade others space, take others items and in general be selfish.  We had an issue with her lying which seems to have improved…or maybe it’s just transferred and now our issue is selfishness.  Selfish to the point of breaking into a locked room to take my cell phone charger. We have taken away things (phone, TV, etc), we have asked to do more chores, grounded, took her cell phone for 1 month, and so on.  The problem is nothing seems to phase her.  She gets through the punishment, apologizes and ends up doing something similar a couple weeks later. Is there possibly something we are missing?  Do you have any other suggested consequences different than the above.  We feel as if we are beating our heads against the wall.

Answer:

Sarah, The issue I think is that her heart is not being reached or dealt with. I would imagine she doesn’t really know where she fits in in this new family. She probably steals and such in order to make things her own. I have a couple thoughts. A family should honor one another. Not honoring is like giving garbage to people. Instead of acts of service, affection (honoring) she and others are choosing to dishonor. Start focusing on that. Another thought is that kids work much better with positive incentives. They also need consequences, but incentives are a much better way to get the behavior that you would like. Finally, she may feel left out in some way or may feel picked on. It may be important to talk with your spouse and make sure that she is not being unduly singled out.

She is a danger…

Question:

Our 19 yr old son has dated his current girlfriend for almost 2 yrs. At first it seemed ok nothing serious, until some strange things came out of his mouth.  For example, they were in an argument on a school night he went to drop her off she did not like the way it was ending so she refused to get out of his car for an 1 1/2. She also got a job where he worked. She would sit in his car in the parking lot while he worked his shift. They recently went to the same are for college, him at a university her at a tech school and he withdrew with her at his heels! he did not want her to go to the tech school by his, but she doesn’t take the word “no” very well. She is a liar and a manipulator. We have caught her in several lies. And he is aware of the lies but over looks them. He does not see this please tell us what is our next step.

Answer:

Kelli, Unfortunately your son sounds very weak. There is not going to be much you can do. She sounds as if she could be a potential danger to you and others in your family because of her erratic behavior. You also may want to extend these precautions to your son. He has shown you that he has poor judgement with his actions. If you explain to him why you are taking precautions then he may start opening his eyes to her dangerous behavior.