Get out now…

Question: Can you offer any advice on how to deal with an emotional abusing partner. I can not leave the home right now…He uses bad language, calls me names, says every fight is because of me. He says he used to be a nice guy til me and my children made him mean. He blames me for everything that goes wrong. If he misplaces paperwork he will insist I did something with it…moved it whatever. He refuses to even look, curses me and says i need to remember what I did with it. Last night his vehicle had a dead battery, and he accused me of leaving the key on…..and I hadnt used or even been near the vehicle. Anything else going on in his life gets him angry at me, and hes now blaming me because his ex wife will only let him visit his daughter during supervised sessions with their counselor. If hes mad he wont say goodbye when I go to work….he will come into a room where Im at, see me, and pointedly walk right out. I could go on and on but whats the point. Oh…he tells me and anyone who will listen what a great guy he is, always so well liked and successful. Alot of people who dont know him would probably agree. Hes quite charming in public, even his voice is different. We went to a couple of counseling sessions with a doctor I really liked, but I was afraid to say anything in front of him and he told her how my teenage son was such a problem child. (same child does well in school, and never has problems with teachers or other children) He likes to get me alone and rage on and on about whats wrong with me and I am need advice. Thank you for your time, and Im sorry to ramble on and on.

Answer: You can’t say you can’t leave home and then give me an impossible question to answer. Of course you need to leave, even if you have to go to a shelter. There is TOO much potential for violence to you or your children. Plus, you are letting your children experience abuse at the hands of someone who isn’t even related to them. What does that make them think of you? If you are going to refuse to move then you simply need to start thinking of this as a roommate situation. You guys are not in love, you are simply tolerating one another. I would suggest you stop having sex, stop sleeping in the same bed. Start treating this like a roommate. Maybe he will then leave or an opportunity will arise so you can leave. You had to have known he was a bit like this before you moved in with him. So that would make me think that you need to get some individual counseling to figure out why you picked a guy like this. If you don’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids so they don’t end up in another situation like this with you.

Focus on your spouse…

Question:Hello, I have been married to the same person for 12 years.  We have had the normal ups and downs.  We have a 5 year old daughter, a bright and happy little lady. Our relationship however, is stormy at best.  We rarely are intimate, perhaps every 2-3 months and it’s usually strange.  I can never seem to please her, no matter how clean the house is or what I do for love there is always criticism, every day.  I am trying to live a spiritual life, spend a lot of time in nature and am seeking true love with myself and how I view this reality.  But being around a long term partner that frequently is hostile has been very difficult.  I love her and our family dearly; I come from an abusive family and although this anger frequently takes me back to those painful episodes of childhood, I worry about my kid and another broken home.  I was married previously at a very young age, in another abusive situation.   How to I proceed without endangering a young life?  I just can’t take much more of the hostility.  Of course our discussions turn it back on me “I’m insensitive” and “it takes 2 to argue” when all I really want to do is focus on a positive loving home and stop the destructive criticism.  It’s a shame to give up after all these years but I’m beginning to feel I have no other option.  Strangely we seem to share a deep bond, but superficially I really feel hated.  Thank you for your time, this is difficult to write.

Answer:I would suggest instead of focusing on loving yourself and nature and all that is spiritual, you focus a bit of that love on your wife. Without talking to her I would imagine she feels second to many things in your life. No amount of cleaning a house and doing things is going to change how she feels. While she may need to change some things of her behavior, it seems like you may need to refocus a bit. Focus on loving her as much as you are trying to love yourself and nature. If she feels genuinely loved I bet things would start turning around for you. This love, isn’t simply feelings driven it is actions driven as well.

You made your choice…

Question: First I would like to say thank you in advance for taking the time to review my situation. Even writing this is difficult because my mind is so scatter brained. I’m 24 years old and I currently live in Bogota Colombia. I have been here for 5 months and all I want to do is go home. The reason I’m here is because my fiance got deported from the states and with our two year old daughter I followed him and gave up my own life so my daughter can have her father. He is a good man to me and I love him very much. I recently realized though that I do not want to get married and since, I feel and little taken back. I do not speak the language here and i stay home all the time. To some that may be a luxury but not for me. I want to go to school and secure a future for myself and for my daughter. In order for me to get my independence back and have a more successful future I need to go back home. By doing that I have to split my daughter and her father apart. I’m always so worried for her safety here and the possibilities of what could happen. I have a horrible imagination when it comes to crime so I’m always in fear of what if. I just want to go home and make something of myself for myself and have a better environment so I don’t fear the worst all the time with my daughter. So my question is: Should I go back home and go to school and have a better future or, should I keep father, and daughter together and just give up my own life for the familys sake? Please help!

Answer: When you decided to go the route of not having a true commitment from someone and having a child without that commitment you sealed your fate. Your focus now should be on your daughter not on yourself. Taking your daughter away from her father is a horrible thing to do in my opinion. She did not ask to be in this situation, you more or less forced her into it. Now to take her away from her father because of stuff you want is selfish. I would suggest you immediately enroll in a language school and learn the language. I also suggest you take advantage of your ability to speak English and start looking for a place to teach. I also suggest that you focus on your daughter and not yourself. She needs two parents, not one who is going to look out for her self when she goes back to where she is comfortable.

Keep it reasonable…

Question: I would like your thoughts on how I can best support my 18-year old granddaughter (financially, emotionally or otherwise). This is the situation. My granddaughter started college last month. She has a full four year scholarship that covers tuition books and fees. Her boyfriend has a year – to- year renewable grant that covers his expenses. They both work part time to help with expenses. She is pregnant. They plan to marry “sometime”. They asked if they can move into a rent house that I own. I told them I would make it available to them rent free if they get married and get some counseling – financial, parenting and marital. I think it is important to give the child stability and that doesn’t come from a vague plan to get married “sometime”. She said I was trying to run their lives. I am the only person in a large extended family with any money, but others are willing to help with time, emotional support, etc. What should I do for them?

Answer:  I think it is completely reasonable what you propose. I would just make sure that you are willing to help them “abide” by what you have agreed to. Most likely they are looking for a handout as shown by the response of you trying to run their lives. What they should do is give the baby up for adoption. It actually gives this baby a chance to have a decent life. I wouldn’t make them pay a small amount. They shouldn’t be given anything for free. They are not making right choices and shouldn’t be rewarded for bad behavior.

Helloooo, boundaries please…

Q:In a blink of a eye my whole life changed.  Before my son went to middle school he was a good boy who never did anything wrong.  He was diagnosed with aspergers when he was in first grade. He always needed me to rub his back at night and pick out his clothes in the morning etc. Then he went to middle school and everything changed I don’t know if it’s puberty or the video games he plays but now he wont go anywhere with me he always talks to me like I’m a jerk & he never wants to listen to me.  He could sit in the room playing his stupid video games for 8 hours.  He never appreciates anything I do, he doesn’t want to help out around the house, he never takes care of his dog all he wants to do is play video games. I just feel like I’m always talking to a wall because he never listens and if I tell him something he doesn’t like he say’s “don’t tell me what to do”. I do give my kids what I can and believe me that’s not much compared to the kids in our town.  How can I show him I’m the boss? How can I pull in the rains a little?  What can I do to get him to appreciate me?  His father was in and out of his life until he was three then he only saw him once a year if that, he hasn’t seen him in over a year he never ask to either.  I need help before it is to late.

A:You NEED boundaries with this kid. You let him play video games way too much, he probably rules the roost. If you want to get some type of influence back in his life you need to provide boundaries to him. He will buck it at first because he is not used to it, but eventually he will get used to it. I would also suggest you find a male role model for him to connect with maybe your father and uncle or grandfather. I also suggest you don’t date or marry until he is out of your home. If you bring a man into your life, it will be one more stressor between your son and you.

Question: Hello, I am writing to get an unbiased opinion. My fiancee’s sister in law has been a real problem ever since we met. First, about 4 months after I met my fiance, she coordinated her own baby showers. She had 2 showers one for family and one for co-workers/friends. I did not find out until weeks after I received the invitation that I was invited to the coworker/friend shower. I had been to a wedding of one of my fiancee’s cousin a few months before and knew many of the family members. I would have known no one but her at the coworker/friend shower. I sent a nice gift and declined the invitation. I let it go and continued to attend family functions. My fiancee and I got engaged a year later. After the engagement, on the same day, we went to visit our parents and a few family members. My fiance’s sister in law and his brother were upset because we did not go to visit them that day. First, it was later in the day and by the time we did visit a few family members it was 8 or so in the evening. We did arrange to get together with his brother and sister in law a few weeks later and an hour or so before my fiance picked me up, his brother called and said they forgot they were going to an apple festival and that we could not come over. My fiance’s mother was there visit her grandson. It turns out they lied because they were not happy with us because they felt that we should have come over right away to announce our engagement. My fiance’s mother knew that they had lied because she was there and overheard when they made the call. She told them they were wrong by doing that and my fiance’s sister in law threaten her by saying she would not see her grandchild again if she took our side. All in all, my fiance eventually had enough and took the blame He said it was his fault because he did not want the fighting back and forth or to see his mother so torn up. To this day, I do not have time for their behavior. I do not go to any family functions where they will be present nor are they invited to any of ours. My fiance’s sister in law was raised by parents who never told her she was wrong. Even when she said or id something wrong, they always said she was right. She has no compassion for hurting anyone’s feelings and cannot say she is wrong or sorry. Her husband has told my fiance that there are many things she is wrong about but he cannot even tell her she is wrong because then it causes problems in their marriage. She is a very controlling person. Her husband has to back her up even when she is not correct for fear that she will leave him. Any advice?

Answer:  First recognize the you are WILLINGLY marrying into the family. So any complaints you have about it afterward are unreasonable. I would encourage you to not be surprised with anything this woman/family does. If you are constantly surprised and always are emotionally upset by the things that happen it will effect your marriage. If you associate, do it minimally. These people have let you know who they are. Deal with it accordingly.

Refocus your energy…

Q: Hi there,thank you for reading this and any advice would be very much appreciated.Iv been in my relationship for 6 mnths now,We met on a dateing site,I have 2 children my daughter 12 and son 15, my son lives with my parents because of past issues regarding his anger problems and my x husband who brought both my children up i split from him because of his drinking problems, my sons dad died when he was a baby and daughters dad isant interested in her.my relationship with my son has got lots better and my son seems to be sorting his behaviour out with lots of help and support.I  am at present awaiting for my home to be repossesed as im unable to offord my morgage payments even tho i do work so at the moment we are unsure about where we are going to be liveing to and when.(my boyfrind says we can move in with him but that would be a big mistake being so soon)Since i met my boyfriend he has been so so supportive a great role model for my children and would do any thing for us, he loves me so much but is very insecure,the reason for this is because of his past relationship where his x took his son away from him and moved back to her own country,but he does see his son as often as possible.At the beginning i was so happy with my boyfriend but then his insecuritys, questions,not trusting me,wanting to know everything,where i was what i was doing all the time,Didnt like me going out with frineds now and again.who i was chatting to who i txt even checked my mobile a couple of times and emails without my prior knowledge!.all this has caused a problem for us.I havent cheated on him but did send a few emails back and forth to a male friend i met on dateing site before i met boyfriend who lives a long way from me so nothing would come of it but just chatted to eachother for advice really about my relationship,he saw these emails when checked them(said it was an accident checking my mails!!) but went mad saying i shouldnt ask others for advice and i shouldnt have male friends like that.And he brings this up all the time which causes an argument.this has pushed me away,i make excuses up to not have sex or even kiss him i even sometimes  dont want to be with him,so i push him away and make excuses saying im confused dont want to be in a full on relationship with him or anyone,but then i feel like i miss him again and want to call him,He is very confused and hurting understandably,may be i just dont want to be alone, He says i should be thinking of the kids as he is so good with them and they love haveing him around but if im NOT in love with him it wouldnt be fair on anyone to carry on with this.I dont know if i am in love with him,i dont think i am.Im just very confused.At the moment we have decided to give it a break and see how it goes,even tho he has given me such a hard time over it and its not what he wants.Thank you again for any advice you can give me.

A:When one has kids, I believe their focus needs to be on the raising of them. You are getting sidetracked by putting energy into a relationship that takes away focus from your parenting. Your kids don’t need you to be in a failed relationship. They need a mom who has enough energy and focus to help them enter the adult world. Based on the info you have given you are not doing that. The home issues, the ex issues alone give you enough things to worry about. Why in the world would you want to bring this unstable man into their lives. It would not be fair to them, especially since they didn’t choose him. Focus on your kids, not on your love life right now.

Impress yourself…

Question: Can a man really have such low self-esteem that he feels he is not worthy of a woman?  My boyfriend tells me that I am better than him in a lot of areas, and he feels that I can do better than him……Is this just an excuse to end the relationship can a man have this problem……We are both middle aged people, so it’s not like we were born yesterday……….Also….I give the man TONS OF COMPLIMENTS and AFFECTION ETC….so he should feel secure…….Is there any cure for his low-self esteem…He also has a MAJOR PROBLEM with communicating and tends to hide for days while he figures out what to say……….whereby I, am very talkative, friendly and like to talk about issues immediately….So anyway…..other than these issues, we are totally compatible with (career, religion, health, everything else is OK)……..

Answer: It’s funny when you say other than these issues….These in my opinion are HUGE issues. If you want to stay and be the main support peg for this person while they may or may not get better then go for it. I would suggest otherwise. You will get sick of it eventually. His self-esteem probably could change, but that could take years of therapy. Do you want to be involved with that? Compliments and affection aren’t his issue. Self-esteem is not about what you get from others it’s what you get from inside yourself. The quickest and best way I know to raise self-esteem is to do things that impress yourself and then acknowledge those things. If he can’t do that, then I would suggest he seek out a competent therapist to help him.

Your parenting may not be effective…

Question:I have a 14yr old daughter that I am having very difficult time with. She is doing very poorly in school and she has become a compulsive liar. I also have a 17 yr old but she is totally different and hardly ever gets into trouble. My mom thinks that the younger one may be jealous of the older one. I have sat down with her and talked with her many times and she doesn’t give me a straight answer as to why she is struggling in school and why she lies. I recently looked on her myspace and she is talking to boys on there about kissing and going out and having threesomes…I asked her if she even knew what a threesome was and she said she was just kidding. She doesn’t understand that talking like that to a boy will give her a bad reputation. Please help me.

Answer:I am going to make a leap and say this has something to do with your parenting. If she is doing as poorly as you say she should NOT have any access to my space. That is purely a privilege that should be given as an incentive for good behavior. If she behaves poorly and you continue to bless her then why should she change? There is also probably something else going on with her that she is unwilling to talk to you about. I suggest you tighten up your parenting practices by providing better and more consistent boundaries. I also suggest that you get her into a counselor to see what other issues are going on in her life.

Gather information please…

Question: Hi. My boyfriend and me have been together for a year. When we were first together he was very nice and kind. He could control his temper.But now he actually gets mad at me and freaks out. One time he was going to a job interview, and i didn’t say anything to him yet because i was waiting till we go there to say good luck.He was getting out of the truck and i was going to get out, but i was messing around like we always do and i was being a smart pants.I said good luck and he said i you love me you’ll get out and give me a hug. I sat there for about 5 seconds. Right when i was going to get out he slammed to door in my face and punched the side of a building.He Oslo said f you when he slammed the door.sometimes when he’s mad hell tell me to stop doing whatever is making him mad. Sometimes i don’t cause I’m trying to prove a point or something. But when i don’t stop and he gets mad he;he’ll either press down really hard on my blood veins on my wrist, or pinch my skin till it hurts really bad. I love him so much and i just don’t want to end this relationship. He was the most nicest boyfriend i could want when he was nice to me. He still is a nice boyfriend when he is nice to me. But I’m just worried that he is a little abusive.

Answer:  C’mon now you can’t believe that this is an ok relationship for you to be in can you? Dating is supposed to be about gathering information about someone and then deciding if it is a good match. This is NOT a good match. You say you FEEL in love. This isn’t love, it is control and fear mongering. My worry for you is that you are desperate and thus willing to tolerate this bad behavior. I strongly suggest you move on. Things WILL NOT be getting better anytime soon.