Happy Valentine’s Day

I met with a young dating couple last night. I have met with them a few times over the past several weeks. As it was our last meeting I attempted to summarize what I thought their struggle was going to be here on out.

I kept coming back to the idea that when you are dating someone you are gathering information. Complaining about certain behaviors, certain words etc…may make yourself feel better, but for the most point it’s useless. When you are dating you should be looking at gathering information and then make an informed decision about the future of the relationship.

I know it’s unromantic, especially on Valentine’s day. Yet, putting feelings aside to assess the data you have on the person is important. If you are not going to be okay that your significant other isn’t that romantic, then you may want to find someone who is a bit more romantic. If you are not okay with a persons religious ideas then you should find someone who is more comptatible with what you beleive. It’s easy to get caught up in the emotions heck, it’s what movies are made about. “Follow your heart…do what feels good.”  The reality is if you follow your heart your relationship will probably not last for the long haul. There are the exceptions, but those are just that, exceptions. Bottomline: Do your research and make an informed choice. If you do you will have a much more peaceful, joyful and long-term relationship.

David

www.help4life.net

You don’t make sense…

QUESTION: “hi!I was with a guy for four years(8-9yrs gap elder than me) in a rocky relationship,lots of arguments,at times felt like i was with the wrong guy, but he proposed me which i told him i was not ready for marriage as i did not feel i was ready to run the marathon with him. So now he is dating someone LDR(3months) for an arrange marriage and i realize im still in love with him i did let him know but i did not want to be selfish so i distanced myself as he seemed happy to be with the other girl in the begining as she had the same interests like him.So he thought they would be compatible and proposed her within 1 week of meeting then he came back to US and after 1month itself he calls me and tells me how he misses me and seems like he is not in love with her he’s just trying to keep his words and he feels bad he’s already given her hope of bringing her to US, so he thinks he has to stick to it though it ‘s been 3mnths already now he cries and calls me constantly that its not the same. But i told him he has to make a decision within a month whether he wants to be with me or her as he’s not being fair to the other girl as well as me.He believes in astrology so much according to our birthchart we r not that compatible compared to the other girl but again i think foundation for marriage should be love more than compatiblity or finance to endure for long time. We’ve come such a long way i just don’t feel like our journey is over yet but i guess he does not feel that way. He thinks the other girl also loves him but i thought it was too early to call love as they met only for 1 week and on internet for 3months he is seeing only what she is showing and vice versa..!!I feel terrible that if i had agreed to marry this would not happen at all but again bcos of this incident i realise how much i love him and he is my happiness.Hs is confused!!there are times he just wanted to cancell the marriage again due to his parents prestige he does not cancell!it’s been a mnth he has not been romantic with the other girl on the phone according to him. i don’t know does he still really love me??”

ANSWER: I disagree with you. I think love is important, but so are finances and compatibility. I think you are being used as a reason for this guy to have cold feet. It doesn’t mean he loves you. It means he doesn’t want to marry and you are the out he is using to make that not happen. Read your first few sentences. Those are all signs that a relationship shouldn’t be. Yet, now somehow he is the guy you want to date again? That makes no sense. Move on, he did and then realized he wants to be out of the marriage and is using you. You learned that you didn’t work well with this guy so I am suggesting you find someone that you can work well with. David www.help4life.net

Do what’s best for you…

QUESTION: Hi Mr. Simonsen, People tend to judge the “child” when it comes to parents, if there is a problem.  That’s a shame, because often times, it’s not the child but the parent. All my life my mother has criticized me, judged me, and put me down.  When I was about 11 or so, she actually told me I was border-line retarded.  I’m not.  She also told me in Jr. high, the only reason I had any friends, was because she subbed there.  She threatened to come into my room, in my 20′s, because she said my hair was so stringy and she was going to cut it all off.  In my adulthood (I’m 46 and she is 71) she continues to berate me:  Everything from my grammar – which she use to correct my daddy in front of people, when he used “bad” grammar, to the tee shirts I wear.  I like rock band tee shirts and she has told me, she hopes the neighbors never see such a shirt on me!  She has written hateful e-mails to three of her neighbors, and every time one of them is with another neighbor, she gets so angry.  She has even asked me if “so and so” was at so and so’s house!  On my sisters wedding day, several years ago, she told her, while they were driving to the church, how fat and horrible she looked.  Her own daughter – on her wedding day.  My sister broke down in tears. My mothers sister, who is local, quit speaking to her, several years back.  I see why. I wonder, if my mother knew that one day, when I was an adult, I would come to hate her, would she still have said and done the things she did, all my life?  It’s too late for us. Mothers are suppose to lift up their children, not degrade them.  Thank God I have no children!  Never will. My question is:  I have decided to no longer have her in my life.  Which is a healthy decision for me.  How do I do this?  Do I tell her or just do like her sister did, no longer communicate with her, at all. Thank you

ANSWER: If what you are saying is true, then I think cutting off or at least limiting contact is the wise thing to do. There is no reason you should stay in an abusive relationship such as this. I think you let her know that you are doing what is best for you without going into a long history of drama. Then cut off contact. At a minimum I would suggest you contact 2 times a year maybe, because what if she changes? This gives an opportunity for forgiveness to be had. David www.help4life.net

You’re in charge…

QUESTION: My husband of six years (we have been together for 16 years) wants a divorce.  He had an emotional affair with a 28-year-old woman for a few months in the first half of the year.  After I discovered the affair, the woman said that she would leave the relationship.  But a few weeks later my husband reconnected with him.  In July, when I was visiting my family in Hong Kong, my husband informed me that he chose the her over me because he wanted happiness.  I came back to the States a week later and my husband told me that he ended the relationship with the woman but the affair has made him realized that our marriage was not good and has been dead for two years.  So, now he is not with the other woman but my husband and I are separated and he has no desire to save the marriage.  I am still very much in love of my husband.  We went to marriage counseling twice but he treated it as divorce counseling and said that he does not want to be with me anymore.  I really want to get back with my husband.  But I don’t know what to do to.  Please give me some advice. Thanks.

ANSWER: You can only be in charge of yourself. So I would suggest you focus on doing loving things even when you don’t feel like it. I imagine that he didn’t feel connecting with you so he had to connect to someone else. Your job now should be to rekindle the connection EVEN WHEN you don’t feel like it. It’s the best that can be done given his desire to not stay married. David www.help4life.net

You shouldn’t marry…

QUESTION: My boyfriend and I are in a serious long term relationship and we plan on getting married in two years. When we’re married we’d like to move to South Carolina, we currently live in New Jersey along with our families. My main problem is that my mom is very much against us moving to SC, she has said that she will put up a fight and pitch a fit and that it’s not ok.   I’ve talked to my boyfriend about this and he has said that he will pay to fly my parents down and that they can stay with us as long as they want and that they could even live with us. However, my mom is very stubborn and she doesn’t want to move anywhere and she says she is living in her dream house and doesn’t want to leave. She’s even said that even moving to PA or NY would be too far for her.   My main question is what to do. I’ve gotten into the whole idea of moving and want to go, and I also know that it is a dream of his to live there. How do I go about talking to my mom about this? I have 2 years before it needs to be discussed but it’s really bothering me. I’m really worried about dealing with how she is going to act. What is the best way to bring this up to her without upsetting her too much? I know she can’t keep me from going but it could put a strain on my relationship with her and I don’t want that to happen. Thank you for reading this and your help.

ANSWER: If you are unable to simply leave with the man you will be making vows with then you shouldn’t be married. It’s obvious your mom is being unreasonable, but for you to fret over it is also unreasonable. It is your life not your mom’s. Parents raise kids to leave not stick around. If you waffle on this issue it will come to be a negative thing in your marriage. If your mother is going to continue to be so selfish, it’s a GREAT thing that you won’t be in contact with her, she would probably ruin your marriage. Move with your husband it is the right thing to do. David www.help4life.net

Monster in-laws casting

Powerful New A&E Series Is Now Casting Couples Who Need Help With An In-Law!

In-laws: most people have them. ..and sometimes, they can be a whole lot more than a couple bargained for. A&E Network shines a light on married couples dealing with difficult in-laws as they try to make peace with the help of an unconventional, no-nonsense relationship expert in the new original real-life series “Monster In-Laws”.

“A ground-breaking new series that explores the complex relationships between married couples and their in-laws.”

Are you struggling to maintain a relationship with an out-of-control in-law?

 

Is a cultural or background divide challenging your relationship?

 

Does the statement, “When mom/dad says no, ask grandma/grandpa” ring true in your family?

 

Does your mother or father-in-law still baby your husband/wife, challenge your parenting style or openly disrespect you?

 

If you’re desperate to repair your relationship with an in-law before it’s too late, we want to hear from you! Families who appear on the show will have the opportunity to work with a professional relationship expert who will help them to identify their issues and repair their relationships. Families who appear on the show will receive a generous financial honorarium as a “thank you” for their time and commitment to the show. There is also a finder’s fee for anyone who nominates a family who makes the show.

To apply, please contact me at mftsolutions@comcast.net and I will forward your info to the production company.

 

Robbing the cradle…

QUESTION: Hello Mr. Simonsen, My boyfriend (44 yrs old) and I (24 yrs old) have been dating off and on for almost 2 years. After only 5 days of reconciliation, we called it quits……again. We met under unfortunate circumstances…..he was married. When his divorce from her was final, that’s when things went downhill. He lost the section 8 house, which caused him living off people (including me off and on) for 9 months until he got his own place. As our relationship progressed post divorce, so did the problems. He blamed me for a lot of negative that happened in his life, he would tell me who he didn’t want me talking to, he talked about me to others in a negative light, he would accuse me of not trying hard enough in our relationship, he didn’t care to sit and have a civil conversation with me when we had a problem. Even when we were arguing, he didn’t care to listen by interrupting me or denying my feelings for him. Also, every time we broke up, he felt the need to find other women to try and start something with or ask his ex back. Once, back in July , I found a text message to his ex saying some of the same things he would to me when he wants to get back together.  I confronted him about it and he claims he did it because she was feeling down in the dumps and he didn’t want her attitude to affect their kids, so he wanted to try and make “her feel better”. He said it meant nothing. Of course I don’t believe it. He claims he got over her and how his life was with her in November . He would compare me to people telling me what they had that I was lacking or what they did better. The biggest hurt for me was when I lost my grandma October .  We were apart at the time. I text him telling him she just passed away and please be easy on me (2 nights before, I had asked for my keys back but he told me to fuck off). I was basically trying to tell him to be nice to me. I get nothing from him; my keys, no text, no phone call, no NOTHING!!!! Three days later, I literally begged him to talk to me so I can at least get some closure on our relationship. He asks me why and basically tells me there is no point because I didn’t want him anymore.  I then said “it would be really important to me, so I’ll call you Sunday to talk.”  I called him once, and he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail that took me an hour to record (only allows 5 min to record), and 2 text messages, but no answer from either attempt.  He comes up to me 5 days later apologizing about my grandma.  This whole situation hurt me SO bad because this person who says he loves me, claims he would do anything for me, or says how all I need to do is call if I need him won’t respond when I do reach out. When his ex says she’s down and out over stupid shit, he automatically “tries to make her feel better” or says nice things to her. We just broke it off again last night because I thought of my grandma and everything I went through with him during my time of need.  I expressed how I felt and it turned into a fight. He said I need to let the past go so we can move on, but we never resolved the past. He said I haven’t given him a chance to show that it’s different.  He didn’t want to break up, and I told him I can’t continue this.  He told me that I was a joke, that I was stupid, a moron, idiot, etc and I won’t find a good man like him who will love me like he does. I’m a Christian, but he doesn’t believe in Christ. He said “pray hard but it still won’t happen. God is as big of a joke as you are. But I loved you” His actions cause me to be an angry, physically and verbally abusive person…at least towards him. After a long time of this behavior, I finally realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I found a website that, i guess you can say, said what I wanted to hear: instead of leaving the relationship, because it’s cowardly, you need to stay and try to work through it. But how? Since my boyfriend doesn’t care what I have to say, he ALWAYS refused counseling (at least until he got his own place), or danced around the subject with empty promises. How can I continue if I’ve been so hurt? How can I look past the pain and all the dark moments in my life when I was with him? Should I sweep my past issues with him under the rug in order to move on? ANY comments, questions, etc would be GREATLY appreciated. Sorry its lengthy. Thank you

ANSWER: Your question specifically points out why relationships with a huge age gap in them don’t tend to work well. He wants someone who will do what he asks when he asks and at some point you complied with that. It was when you needed someone to be there emotionally that you found out that he really isn’t interested in your emotions. He is more interested in getting you in bed. I suggest that if you are a Christian that you find someone of your own age who has the same beliefs as you. You are just starting out in life and this guy should be much more stable. I think he is simply looking for a lady to hang out with not commit to. I also suggest you seek out some wise counsel so you can get a better idea of what a good relationship looks like for you. DON’T get back together with this guy it will only continue to be abusive and hurtful, which is something you don’t need. David www.help4life.net

Angry angry birds…

QUESTION: I have been married for 7 years.  My Brother-in-law moved in with us and my husband and I have been living with him for 7 months now.  My son (his nephew, obviously) is 7 years old (that a lot of 7′s I know!)   My brother-in-law lets my son use all of his stuff, including his smartphone.  On one occassion I asked to play Angry Birds on his phone.  As a joke I changed his phone’s background to a girly pink background, and sent my husband a funny text from his phone (something about my farts stinking).  Nobody realized the fart text was a joke so the joke kinda bombed   Anyway my brother-in-law put a password lock on his phone.  Only my son and my husband know it.  I asked my son, “Go ask Uncle John why I’m not allowed to know his phone password” and he told my son to tell me he doesn’t want me to know it. I’m feeling really hurt right now and kinda angry.  I mean, he’s basically my BROTHER (in-law).  His actions basically say he doesn’t trust me.  I’m a very trustworthy person so I am very hurt!  I also realize I may be a bit immature because I feel like telling him he can’t use my computer table, or my kitchen stuff, or my iron, etc.   It especially hurts because in his family they share EVERYTHING.  Just last weekend he drove his own truck down to give it to his parents because they need a car.

ANSWER: I suggest that you have a rational non emotion filled conversation with him. Start it with apologizing for the phone issue even if you don’t think you should. He may get his feelings hurt easily and you didn’t realize it before. If you are unable to humble yourself then plan on having a hurt relationship. I think the best thing to do is go to him with hat in hand recognizing that you may have overstepped boundaries and your intention was to not offend at all. Hopefully he will accept the apology and you all can move on. David www.help4life.net

Don’t talk to strangers…

QUESTION: I have been married to my husband for 18yrs. and we have 3 girls,I married him when I was 17yrs.old. We have been thru a lot in our marriage, but something is not right. I don’t know if he really loves me or just married me so he wouldn’t go to jail, at the time I was 17yrs. old. He says he loves me, but I don’t think I love him anymore. I do love him as friend and father of my kids. I don’t know what to do anymore or how i feel. I have had these feelings for a long time now, before I started talking to other people in chat rooms. Can you help me.

ANSWER: I think that you and he need to seek out a therapist that can help you sort out your feelings. Chatting with people who don’t know the big picture of what is going on is not helpful to you. They are simply rooting for your rather than rooting for your marriage. Until you truly give the relationship a shot I think you shouldn’t leave or anything similar to that. David www.help4life.net

Monster-in-laws…

Powerful New A&E Series Is Now Casting Couples Who Need Help With An In-Law!

In-laws: most people have them. ..and sometimes, they can be a whole lot more than a couple bargained for. A&E Network shines a light on married couples dealing with difficult in-laws as they try to make peace with the help of an unconventional, no-nonsense relationship expert in the new original real-life series “Monster In-Laws”.

“A ground-breaking new series that explores the complex relationships between married couples and their in-laws.”

Are you struggling to maintain a relationship with an out-of-control in-law?

 

Is a cultural or background divide challenging your relationship?

 

Does the statement, “When mom/dad says no, ask grandma/grandpa” ring true in your family?

 

Does your mother or father-in-law still baby your husband/wife, challenge your parenting style or openly disrespect you?

 

If you’re desperate to repair your relationship with an in-law before it’s too late, we want to hear from you! Families who appear on the show will have the opportunity to work with a professional relationship expert who will help them to identify their issues and repair their relationships. Families who appear on the show will receive a generous financial honorarium as a “thank you” for their time and commitment to the show. There is also a finder’s fee for anyone who nominates a family who makes the show.

To apply, please contact me at mftsolutions@comcast.net and I will forward your info to the production company.