You seem to be desperate for a man


Question:

I have been with a great man for almost 1 year, we recently moved in together. I have 1 daughter (8 yrs) he has 4 (13,11,8 & 2) from 2 previous relationships (1 being a marriage)

I had been looking for someone to spend my life with for a while. I am a great person and have a lot going for me. Despite being a single mother I have excelled in my career and am doing quite well for myself.

I found Dave and despite all the “baggage”, as others put it, I feel head over heels, he is a super great guy with a heart made of gold….some call him a bit of a push over. He loves his family and he works hard….what else could I ask for?? But now I can’t shake this feeling that it’s not going to work and we are doomed because of this baggage.

Ex #1, is married and has another child with her husband. I don’t think she likes me (i just have a feeling) she’s so overly pleasant to me and I think she is being fake. She and Dave have a good relationship we do BBQ’s together, go camping etc etc…. Shes made a point to tell me on numerous occasions that she could have had him back at any time (before her marriage) and she always has to recall the past memories and it really gets to me. She calls to talk to him and stays on the phone for 40 mins. He’s always very anxious to help them out whenever he can and gets in this panic like mode about stupid stuff like should he text her about back to school clothes for the kids.

Ex #2 is his wife. They are going through a divorce right now. She cheated on him and got pregnant with another mans baby. Shes no good, drug addicted, lives in the basement of her friends house with the 3 kids and every time she calls or texts it ruins his mood instantly. He is always worried about what she will think, he claims to hate her but her best friend is convinced that he misses her so much and that is why she still affects him.

They broke up in May 2012, he and I met in October. I have paid all the lawyer fees and helped him out financially to a great extent. I know he is very grateful. But with everything everyone is saying and how he and everyone acts, I cannot shake the feeling that I am just here to help him get over his wife. He says he loves me and i believe he does. But I also feel like all the special moments a couple is supposed to share together is old news to him. We wont ever have children together, he has already been married so the excitement is gone. I resent him for this. I feel it’s not fair. Whats left for me? Why do I compare myself to these woman, when deep down I know that I am so much better? I am feeling so insecure because i have nothing that ties him to me like the other woman do and they make those ties very apparent. I feel like I will never match up.

I have mentioned this to him and he told me that I am being silly, that if anyone had asked him a year ago if he would be living with another woman or in a serious relationship he would say they were crazy. He says there are no feelings toward anyone but me and that he wants to be with me forever.

I personally have never been in a good relationship before this. I am 32 years old. This is my first and I am afraid I am going to ruin it with my insecurities about his past. Please help.

Answer:

Look at what you have written. To me it seems you are with him out of a desperate need to be connected to a man. So you found him, but he’s not the ideal and you’re not trusting your gut. This “baggage” as you say, is NOT going to go away. It is something that you will deal with till someone dies. This is mainly because there are kids involved AND because he hasn’t let go emotionally of the other two relationships in my estimation. Now he is a man who has a relationship with 3 women and he happens to live with one of them. What I think is really unfortunate is that there are young girls involved seeing how a man of low character behaves. Because they see this, they are more likely to make choices with a man who has made many of the same poor choices your BF has made. I would suggest you and your daughter focus on your relationship. When you focus on the “love” relationship so much and worry about it your daughter suffers whether you believe it or not.

Doc David

www.DavidSimonsen.net

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