It’s better to show gratefulness…


QUESTION:

 

Hi David, me and my husband and i recently got married. We’re both 20 years old and I’ve been living with him and his family for 9months. I am currently 4months pregnant.
I started working about 3 months ago and am allowed 3 months of maternity leave. After at I would have to go back to work. My mother in law has offered to take care of the baby while I work, which is great but I’m a little concerned. I know that she would take good care of the baby but lately she has commented that she would raise him/her as her own. I’m not sure if i’m overreacting but it made me feel like she’d be the mother and not me. This wil be out first child and I would like to raise him/her as I would like.
My 3 sister in laws are 15, 9, and 6 years old. They are wonderful and I really love them. But i have other plans on how to raise my child and don’t always agree how my mother in law has raised hers on some things.
Just yesterday my 15 year old sister in law, my mother in law and I were in the kitchen and my mother in law mentioned taking care of the baby again. I said it was fine and I appreciated the help. Then she said the baby would be with her most of the time and would raise him/her. I felt sort of jealous. and then my sister in law told her she should respect my decisions on how i want to raise the baby and it might make me feel like I’m not the mother.
This is what I’m afraid of. That my husband and I won’t be given our privacy and be told by my in laws how to raise our baby. I take their advice and appreciate it very much as this is our first baby but don’t want them to take over. As a child, my grandparents raised me and i got so attached that i lived with them my whole life and hardly ever with my mom although i still saw her everyday. How do i keep that boundary and how do you suggest i approach them if they do try to take over?

ANSWER:

 

Honestly, you can’t have the best of both worlds. You keep the boundaries by living on your own and not going back to work so you can bond with your baby. If you are unwilling to situate your life to make this happen then you will have to rely on others. When you rely on others, you can’t dictate your demands to them. This is ungrateful and inconsiderate. Because of the situation you are in you are going to have to rely on your in-laws until you can get out of it. Thus, showing gratefulness for all they do is going to be important. Having a clear conversation about expectations would be helpful, but that is your husband place, in my opinion, since these are his parents.

David

www.DocDavid.net

One thought on “It’s better to show gratefulness…

  1. I agree with doc David. We can’t change others. Only our reactions to their behaviors. I agree boundaries have to be in place but if she really knows herself that she will feel insecure and sensitive about her mils opinions and ways of raising the child,
    she may say thanks so much but no thank you. (In a nice way and without giving an explicit reason). She may want to make other arrangements for the child. It’s not easy for a new mom to take all that. And yes it’s special that the grandparents are willing to help out. But as a mil and grandmother, I just feel it’s not so nice to be that inconsiderate of the moms needs and decisions. Good luck to all. And thanks for sharing.

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