He wants a girlfriend not a mother…


QUESTION:

 

David,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. The first 9 months of our relationship were long-distance, as he went off to college. I am a senior in high school, he is now a sophomore in college. Last year, he came home every 3 weeks because he missed me so greatly. He decided not to drink or party during this time so that I could trust him. He suffered from not making friends and his grades also suffered. He decided to transfer back home this year(the biggest reason was to be closer to me).
After about a year of dating, my boyfriend thought I was being dependent on him. He appreciates his “alone” time whereas I am a social person. I tried to back off a little from him out of respect for him. This year, he wants to make new friends and drink . I have expressed some anxiety from this, so he believes I do not trust him. I DO trust him completely. The reason why I have gotten upset is because he is not honest with me before he drinks. I find out about it later, which makes me upset and causes a lot of tension in our relationship.
Now, if it is already apparent, I love my boyfriend more than anything else in the world. Being with him is the greatest feeling in the world. He used to say so too, but ever since we have been fighting, he does not express it much anymore.
Our latest fight has been the biggest issue of our relationship yet. Three days ago, my boyfriend went to a co-ed party (a reunion of all his high school friends) and was drinking. He freely chose to not invite me to this party, which definitely upset me. I was waiting for a text from him to know if he was drinking (simply so I could put my phone away because I owe myself the respect)for an hour and a half. At one-thirty in the morning, he responded, but did not answer my question. Instead, he told me that he needed to stay for the night at this party because the parents took away the car keys of all of the kids there. Now, a few weeks ago, I told him I was uncomfortable with him sleeping over with other girls. But suddenly, he sprung this on me…expecting me to fully understand.
I made the huge mistake of letting my emotions take control of the situation. Within ten seconds of receiving that text from him, I responded to it: “Either you go home right now (ask your brother to pick you up), or you are ending our relationship tonight. Your decision.” He immediately called me, assuring me everyone was behaving at this party. I told him no, just go home.
He called me a while later, AT home. He left the party because I gave him the ultimatum. He did not want to lose me. However, that was when he got REALLY mad at me. The conversation went from him saying “I can’t date a high school girl like you, you just don’t understand. I don’t want to be with you. I can’t be with you. I need my independence. You don’t trust me. I’m giving up on you”..to..”I really want to be with you, Lauren. You are the most important thing to me in the world. I love you more than anything else.” At the end of the conversation, I said “Promise you won’t give up on me.” He said “I promise”.
So the next day, only 8 hours after this conversation, he told me to meet him in a parking lot. When I got into his car, I immediately started crying and apologized with my whole heart. I told him he could do ANYTHING from now on in our relationship and that I will SHOW him I trust him, not just tell him. After that, he told me he thought we should “take a break” until I get to college, and that we should “explore other things.” I told him I disagreed and that I loved him too much to let him go. He said “I do love you, that’s why it hurts so much”. His eyes were tearing up. Finally, he got back into his car without saying goodbye. He listened to me beg more…and then said he had to go help his dad with something. He said “I’ll think about it. I’ll let you know.” He also told me to “go home, drink some water, take a nap, and DON’T THINK ABOUT IT.” I said “okay. kiss me?”. He kissed me. I told him I loved him, and he also said he loved me.
Now it is almost four days later, and I haven’t heard from him at all. I was out of town until tonight, and he KNEW that. I’m assuming he needed time to cool down and wanted to wait for me to get home so we can talk in person. When I got home today…I was sitting on the side of the road in my friends car…and HE DROVE BY…what? I’m assuming he was checking to see if I was home yet…now he knows.
So, I am hoping he will text me tomorrow. Even though I’ve been surrounded by friends and family these past four days, I have never been in a more emotionally darker place. I have hardly eaten anything these past few days, and I have been vomiting because the emotional pain makes me nauseous. I CANNOT imagine living my life without my boyfriend. All of our amazing memories I took for granted are haunting me. If he gives me a second chance, I will show him complete trust and never take his love for granted again. I really believe in my heart that my boyfriend cares for me. Can you decipher what is really going on here? What I should expect from him now? If he truly cares about me, will he give me the chance to show him trust?
Thank you so much

ANSWER:

 

I’ll keep it short and sweet. He doesn’t want to be with you, but doesn’t really know how to come out and say it. He realized that there is a whole world of relationships to explore at college and he wants to do that. You are also being his mom and he doesn’t want that. You have no right to tell him what to do or what not to do. He is an adult and can make choices. You can let him know what you will do if he continues behavior you don’t like. Then if he continues that behavior, you know that he is not the guy for you. This is often why young relationships don’t last when one goes to college. They mature and meet other people that are more compatible. I would suggest you view this as a great opportunity for growth and move on to bigger and better things.

David

www.DocDavid.net

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