Put in some thought, it’s a good thing…


QUESTION:

 

Hello,
I need a little bit of perspective from someone else.
I am 26, finishing MS this month, heading out into the real world looking for jobs. I am also deaf (which makes the dating pool a little difficult because I prefer men with hearing loss, or can sign ASL and also to be educated (at least some college)- not on social security). I am also fairly religious, I’d prefer not to have sex before married.
I am currently dating a sweet guy, long distance for 2 years.
Pros: He is deaf like me, sweet and kind and patient. He is 29. Cons: Just went back to school and has another 1.5 years to finish MS on the opposite coast of where I live. He is not religious, but willing to wait for sex, although the fact that we live on opposite coast means that there is very little pressure.
He gave me a gentle ultimatum that I need to move to the west coast and move in with him (my school is on east coast) after I graduate (this month!) or we would break up as long distance with no end in sight in terms of location doesn’t make sense. I get this. We have never really dated or lived in the same state ever, so I can’t really ask for a bigger commitment of any sort (engagement).
Originally I had decided to move to the west coast to be with him and try to find a job there. But I’m having second thoughts because I’m not finding the kind of jobs that I want and I’m bummed out for not applying to jobs on the east coast.
To make matters worse, I met a guy at a neighboring school who I am starting to have interest in (although I’ve been upfront that I have a boyfriend) because he is also religious and deaf.
The main decision is need to make is if I should move to be with my current boyfriend and give up my ideal career starting jobs. Even if I move with him, we would have to move again in 1.5 years after he finishes school as neither of us want to stay in his college town after he finishes. I also want to keep in mind that we do not share the exact same religious beliefs (but I’m not perfect).
The other guy is out of the picture anyway because I won’t live near him anymore after 2 weeks and I’m not interested in starting another long distance relationship and I’d take a break from dating for 6 months out of respect for the relationship I have now if we were to break up.
I am so confused! thanks!
I’m thinking about applying to jobs only near him (that I actually want/interested in) for 1 month and after I don’t get a job, I will apply to jobs (that I actually want/interested in) across the US and take what I can get. I’m secretly afraid of moving and being intellectually bored. But I am so afraid of losing this guy because it is hard to make friends when you are deaf. DC is a good place for deaf people, so I should remind myself that I could try to move there eventually if things don’t work out.
C

ANSWER:

 

C, It’s nice to see you putting some thought into something so many people simply take for granted. Given what you have described I would go with the guy who is religious. Many people don’t think it’s a big deal, but it is often because they are thinking in the present and not to the future. If you date this person and get married and have kids…down the road…you are going to want to have someone in your life that has similarities in the realm of religion. If you marry someone who has not interest he may not want to raise his kids with religion and thus you have a big challenge if you do want to raise your kids in a church or whatever. What you see now prior to marriage is most likely what you will see after marriage. Don’t listen to the words pay attention to that actions. I did pre-marital counseling with a couple. I suggested she not marry the guy because he wasn’t super into spirituality and she was. She married him anyway. 8 years later he has told family and friends that he is now an atheist. His wife now has to decide how she will raise her children with an atheist husband. It is unneeded stress if you know now what is most likely to happen in the future.

David

www.DocDavid.net

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