Daddy issues are serious…


QUESTION:I’ll try to make this as short as possible.I’m mom to two daughters,22 and 24.My 24 year old is engaged to a boy in the USAF stationed 3000 miles away.They had only met each other a few times last year when he was home on leave,then they have only Skyped and texted for almost a year and a half.He came home in Sept this year and she stayed with him at his grandma’s house for the entire month.He was pushing marriage.She said she couldn’t leave her family and friends.But she agreed to marry him in December and he took her to WalMart and got her a ring. She missed him for awhile.BTW she is a virgin.My girls and I are very close since they had an emotionally abusive father and basically it was us 3 against the world.This boy would take her to a camper and they would mess around.Their business, not mine.She is a Christan girl and these things bothered her after.He would also belittle her and say that he kept her under his thumb. I saw his behaviour when we all went to a park with his son that he had just recently found out that he had,and the little boy had dropped his toy and the fiance had snapped his fingers to show my daughter to go and pick the toy up, she ignored him because me and her sis was there and he did it again and said “You know what that means!” Ok fast forward..she has met a guy at church and a guy where we board our horse.She loves attention from guys.She’ll take off her ring and go out with this other boy,he’s 27,trying to change his life, but no job, no car,hinting about living here with us.I’ve known  guys like this.And I’m scared for her.The fiance is coming home in Dec to marry her.She does not want this yet is afraid to ‘hurt’ him. I’m thinking its from her father,we hated him yet he did so much for us money wise but we would pay with stress.Their father was killed 12-29-09 when a tree he was cutting down fell on him.She feels guilty. Any help you can offer at all would help so much.And I can certainly take it straight! thx soo much!
ANSWER:She needs to get into a therapist ASAP. This is a great example of how a poor relationship with a father can potentially affect the rest of your life. If she makes no change this is how it will look. She will marry probably get pregnant in a year and her husband will deploy. She will be left to care for this child and then another guy will come along that she will have an affair with. She will then be torn between the two and possibly get pregnant by this new guy. It is so cliché because it happens all the time. If she doesn’t get empowered to make great choices in her life she will be destined to have a sucky life. Feel free to let her read this because I guarantee that if she doesn’t get empowered something like this will happen. Until she is able to stand for herself she is NOT ready to get married. Being married isn’t about being controlled, it’s about having mutual respect and love. What you describe is not that.

———- FOLLOW-UP ———-
UPDATE: she has dumped the  fiance,brought the ring back to the store.It WAS over.She jumped right into a guy that I didn’t mention, a coyboy at the barn where we board our horse, the son of the owner, 26 years old, just out of a divorce where he was’ daddy’ to another man’s kid, some domestic violence I hear, but it was him hitting her to “get her out of the way because the child needed him”.Now,she has gotten a ‘job’ with this guy, being his “secretary”.She carries around her laptop and I guess he makes websites or something.She hasn’t gotten paid. She has stayed overnight with him twice so far, but she has his bed to sleep in and he stays on the couch. As far as the exfiance, she has started talking to him again because she feels sorry.I look at her phone and she is promising him a future with her, yet he’s begging her to add him on facebook and she won’t because then her other friends will see that she’s talking to him. As far as the guy with no job, no money, no car, no nothing but that winning personality,we were at church this morning and I had seen that a text had come in from the exfiance, so when my daughter went into her sisters purse for the phone, I said NO! just leave it until later! She refused and the guy was standing right behind her and could see exactly who was writing and he gets upset and walks away.And this was church! As a Mother I give up.I don’t need the stress.I have heart conditions that the cardio has told me to get all of the stress out of my life.I take 4 mgs, at least of Xanax a day.She is lying to everyone of them and when they catch her in a lie, she lies again.Her sister and I have talked and talked and its like wind blowing thru her ears.The guy with no job, etc wants us 3 to come to his grandparents for Thanksgiving.Sorry but I think this is bizarre.I don’t know this family, he is just in the process of reconnecting with his family.He says they dont accept him for who he is so he’s going to bring us because we are like him.WTF? He says they are dressed up kind of people, thats not us at all, we are jeans and tee shirt people and I don’t know why this should make HIM feel better.My girls and I have had holidays together thru thick and thin for the last 15 years.It just strikes me as odd.And this boy calls me Mama, maybe nice but odd to me.I know he wants to live here,but he has that charm and its the kind of charm that tends to suck me in.WE ALL NEED HELP. We have no insurance.My daughter doesn’t want to talk to anyone.She wants to keep the 3 guys and just keep them apart and its killing me.
It may be time to limit your contact with your daughter. She is making foolish choices. If they are effecting you as much as you say, you should have limited contact with her. If she is living in the home with you, then I suggest she moves out. She is living a foolish life and you shouldn’t be subject to her foolishness.

David

www.docdavid.net

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