Embrace help…


QUESTION:

 

I am almost 25 and my husband is 26. We have been married for about a year and a half. I have always noticed that he has some anger issues but his anger was never really directed at me until a few weeks before we got married. I thought it was just the stress of planning the wedding and the fact that our son had passed away about 5 months prior. The anger never went away though. It increased. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. Everything I said was cause to start a screaming match or he would just be “working” for 12-20 hrs a day only to come home and sleep for 12-14 hrs. A couple weeks before our first anniversary he was drinking and wanted me to walk across the street to get him a pack of cigarettes and just as I was about to get up, he suddenly was choking me. I won’t go through all the details, but the next morning I had bruises on my wrists and my back and neck were swollen and red and I had trouble walking because he had popped my hip out of place. I don’t know why I didn’t leave after that. I suppose I just believed his apologies and promises to get help. Three months later, after a concert where we were both drinking, I woke up in my bed barely able to move with bruises and cuts all over me and shattered glass in my bed and broken furniture everywhere. Those have been the two worst incidents. There have been many other instances of him putting me down, calling me names, telling me I’m crazy and that it is all my fault, telling me I am a whore because he knows I identify as bisexual, ect. Recently he has gone through counseling and we have started going to church. The counseling, though, was a court order because he got a DWI and I don’t feel his willingness to go to church is a sincere attempt to change his life through rebuilding his faith. It feels as if it is just an attempt to keep me around by making me believe that he really is changing. I’m not sure I even love him anymore. I think I am just pretending that things are ok because I’m afraid of what will happen, emotionally as well as physically, if I don’t. So, my question is: Will the physical abuse happen again? Has he changed? Am I being foolish to hold onto this marriage? I truly appreciate your help and advice.

ANSWER:

 

I am sorry about the loss of your child. That kind of stress brings people to do crazy things. They often can’t manage relationships because of the hurt that they can’t make go away. I will suggest a few things. I think drinking of any sort should leave your life. It’s obvious that drinking turns into violence. You don’t need it and if it makes things better then why not get rid of it. I would also suggest you fully embrace the counseling and church experience. Both places are there to help you become a better person. The better you become the better you will feel. Now, these are things that you can’t force upon your husband. I do believe from your description he is depressed and is using alcohol to manage the depression (unsuccessfully). If he changes nothing the abuse will stay. What you described is a crime and you didn’t report it as such because you have emotions involved. Focus on changing yourself and protecting yourself. He may see that he has to actually change or lose you in the long run.

Dr. David

http://www.help4life.net

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