It’s not a threat, it’s information…


Question:

Hi,

I have been in a relationship for 6 years. He is committment phobic. I am the only woman he has lived with and spent a ton of time with. I am a well educated woman. I have no kids. I love him and he loves me. I want to be married(I am 35) and have kids and he STILL isn’t sure he wants to marry me. He had witness 3 divorces between his parents. My parents have been together for 40 years. After 6 years, must I break up with my first real love? Is he incapable of committment?
This is really hurting me. Due to all the rejection I have severly low levels of self esteem. I don’t know nor understand why I am not good enough. I struggle everyday and hate myself more and more. He has compounded these thoughts by his actions and words. I asked him why he doesn’t say I am pretty. He said that if I wore makeup or spent time on my hair he would think I am pretty. I took that as his love is very conditional. I am lost, hurt, and confused right now. What do I do?

Answer:

This is not about you at all. It is completely about him. Self esteem doesn’t come through words or praise. Self-esteem comes from doing things that you can be proud of. This relationship has now become something you can’t be proud of. You are letting this guy dictate your life and you know it, but don’t want to fully admit it. He is not willing to marry because why should he. He gets everything from you without marriage. I would suggest you give him a date that you want to be married by and then let him know you will be out of the relationship. This isn’t a threat it’s simply information. If you don’t let him know you will be gone he will keep the status quo going which is what you say you don’t want. It will take come courage on your part, but honestly I don’t think you deserve being treated like you have been.

David

http://www.help4life.net

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