A kiss is not a contract…


  QUESTION:

I’m sure that you get this question all the time: what to do with a boyfriend who may never want to marry you…

I feel more confident asking a man about this, for some reason. Maybe I have a (deluded?) expectation that a man will understand a man’s psyche better than a woman will, so here I am.

My relationship with my boyfriend is kind of complicated. We both have disabilities, granted very different ones. I have a congenital, mobility disability and he has acquired a strange disability 3 1/2 years ago. Basically, he was injured in a fight and it has caused him to be unable to speak for long periods of time without getting lightheaded, due to a voice box injury. We are in very different places. He has gone from having a career and once being engaged to living at home with his mother again on a very sparse income. I am almost at the end of a Masters degree, planning to pursue a PhD, and am working 2 jobs. I consider myself independent and self sustaining.

When we met last year in January, we were both rebounding from other relationships and went through an entire year of ups and downs before finally “officially” be coming a couple back in March. So, technically it hasn’t been long at all, but realistically, it really does feel as though we’ve basically been together since last January.

Here’s the thing: I’m 32, going on 33 this coming December. I don’t feel old per se, and I don’t necessarily feel as though time is “running out” but I’ve been told now, several times, by my boyfriend that he doesn’t really see himself as ever being married–that marriage is just a piece of paper and a “contract with the government,” that has totally outlived any of its previous meaning. He feels that 2 people should only get officially married if they decide to have children, which we are not sure that we want…. well, I’m not sure. He’s always wanted children, though he also recognizes that he’s not in a place in his life where he can have them.

I know this seems like a long and complicated story. I’m not sure how many of the details are relevant to the outcome question, which is basically: what should a woman do if she feels that she may very well have found her life partner; the “love of her life” knowing that he may never ever want to marry her?

I recognize that part of the resistance may have to do with the fact that he feels unable to “provide for me” but our relationship has proven that he is okay with me paying for things, and basically taking care of us… So I’m not sure that that’s the real reason.

I know I want to get married someday. I know that I want it to be to him, and I don’t know that I want to wait forever to find out if it will ever be a possibility… then again, I would wait quite a while for the prospect that it could be him, because the way I see it… we are actually, ironically, the most perfect match you could imagine.

 

  ANSWER:
You have painted yourself in a corner so to speak. If he will never marry, but you will stay with him until he marries you then it would seem you are both at an impasse. His statement about it being just a piece of paper is a sham. I view it as he doesn’t want to make a covenant with you or in essence be tied down. Now if he holds that view on anything related to the government then maybe it’s not a sham, but if it’s only related to marriage I would suggest it’s because he doesn’t want to make a commitment. Honestly, what is the harm in marrying you if he says you are the one for him? Shouldn’t he be willing to do that for you since you are so ready for it? That is why I think there is something more going on that he won’t tell you. The phrase “why buy the cow when the milk is free” comes to mind. I think you should have a very serious conversation with him about and don’t fall for the ” it’s just a piece of paper from the government” argument.
David
http://www.help4life.net

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