You have him…so what’s the problem…


QUESTION:

I have kind of a dysfunctional situation going on that I’m hoping you might be able to help me sort through. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and plan to get engaged by the end of this year. We have a great relationship with each other and each other’s families. Something kind of odd about our situation is that his ex girlfriend’s (of 5 years who he broke up with for cheating on him 8 years ago) parents are best friends with his parents. I have learned to tolerate seeing his ex’s parents regularly without many issues, I really have been very tolerant of it. Recently his ex and him spoke and worked out some old issues and are able to be amicable with each other- which made both of their parents very happy. However, now his ex’s parents- want her to be included in the big 4th of july party that my boyfriend and his parents host each year at their house- and I’m sure this would open the door to including her in many other events also. My boyfriends parents basically got an ultimatum from their friends that their daughter is to be included or they won’t be coming to the party. My boyfriend in turn got a lot of pressure from his father to be okay with inviting her, which he is not…mostly for my sake. I think I have been very cool about this but I need to draw the line somewhere, I’ve tolerated hanging out with his ex’s parents, but I’m not going to be friends with his ex too! Am I being unreasonable? This puts me in a very awkward position because I feel that everyone (except my boyfriend) will blame me for their friendship being altered. The way I think about it is- I am basically part of their family and I will officially be soon, shouldn’t they care more about what their family feels comfortable with rather than letting their friends boss them around? I hope this makes sense, I know its a complicated situation, please let me know if you need me to clarify. I just don’t know how to handle this without being the blame of excluding my boyfriend’s parent’s best friends and ex girlfriend. ughhh so complicated! Thanks so much for your help!

ANSWER:

I can see why this is stressful, but let me give you a different perspective. You have him. You are the one who “won” if you will. He is yours and if you are getting engaged then all the more reason to recognize that he is yours. I think people of all sorts have different ways of viewing relationships. It does seem that you are the only one struggling with this and you should be asking yourself why. Is there a lack of trust with your boyfriend? Do you think his parents secretly don’t like you? Do you compare yourself with the ex? While uncomfortable I think this provides a great opportunity for you and your BF to have a very clear communication about expectations and feelings in regards to this ex GF. It also gives you a whole lot of information about this family that you want to marry into. You bring up valid points about them catering to this other family and not being sensitive to you. You can get angry and throw a fit which will make you look small or you can take it in as information about what this family is and isn’t willing to do. If you do marry this guy what are the chances that this family and ex-GF will be invited to the wedding? It’s highly likely. Do you want that because there will be pressure again. If your BF isn’t man enough to decline being at the party because of pressure then you may want to reconsider the relationship. You want a man who is going to stand up to anything and everything for you. Here is information that is telling you he can’t. So while it’s easy to get emotional it’s not the best thing to do in this case. It’s would be wiser, in my opinion, to address what I see as weakness on your BF’s part.

David

http://www.help4life.net

 

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