Bending over backward will break your back…


  QUESTION:

Dear Mr. Simonsen,

My name is Jolie, I’m 30 and my boyfriend is 38 and we’ve been together for a year.  

I believe that we have conflicting values and beliefs, for example he is in contact with his ex, which after a few fights I finally accepted because he doesn’t have too many friends. Marriage wise, I was clear at the beginning that I find it a romantic endavour and I would like to get married but he said that although it’s against his idealisms, he would change his mind for me.  However now it’s back to “no, I’m not into that, I don’t want to get married or have kids. I don’t really care about having kids but I see myself being a wife rather than a girlfriend.  

Past. He has a very hard-core, partying past upto 2 years ago, which he says doesn’t define him anymore, this includes multiple partners and all kinds of experimental “straight sex” i.e. threesomes and substance use.  I’m the opposite, I’m a bit of a health-freak and sensual/romantic rather than skanky type lover.  Although I’m attracted to him, I find it’s always from a 0 to a 100, I feel little intimacy and it bothers me a lot!

I love to stay fit and exercise to get healthy in a natural way but he hates strengthening his body that way.  He is active, bikes a lot, doesn’t do drugs, swims.

He does suffer from anxiety and is recovering from alcohol abuse (he now only has 3-4 beers 3 times a week), which I am 100% willing to help him through, he’s done much progress already.   

He used talk a lot about his ex-girlfriends in explicit detail, he said that he mentioned them before because that’s how he learns about life and he doesn’t bring them up anymore.  However, when I brought them up he got really upset and called me names, which I’ve never in my life been subject to.  It really upsets me, even though he apologized and excused himself as struggling with anger, he’s never hit me, instead he punched a door and i had to take him to hospital.

When we go out during the day we have a lot of fun for hours… This is a long message and it’s becoming a challenge to express all that im thinking and feeling.

My question is how do I organize my thoughts to know if we’re right for each other.  I feel I had to sacrifice so much of my pride, sometimes hanging out with friends-although he never says i can’t go out, I just put these expectations on myself because I think he wouldn’t like it or would’ve hung out with his ex… I know this is messy but I’ll grately appreciate any words that will help me clarify my thoughts.

Big thank You!

Jolie

   

ANSWER:

Given your vivid description of issues that have gone on and that are currently going on I would suggest that this is not the relationship for you. You have bent over backward for this guy and for what? It seems you are hoping for something to change and he has been very clear with you that things aren’t going to change. Do you not believe him? or do you think that you have the power to change him? I think if you are wanting kids, want to feel secure in your relationship and want to be married this is not the guy for you. Deep down you know that this isn’t the relationship to be in yet, maybe you’re scared because of your age? There are a lot of unanswered questions that have to do with the internal processes of you. Yet, the most important question of being with him is clear…you shouldn’t be with him.
David
http://www.help4life.net

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