Dependant adult vs. Respectful child…


QUESTION:

I have a 19 year old daughter who has been living at home and attending community college full time.She has been eating a strict vegan diet and 2 months ago started reading a website on fruitarians and has been only eating fruits.I have told her that it sounded too restrictive and I did not think it a good idea.Well she had a panic attack on the way to school and called an ambulance.So now there is quite a bill that needs to be paid. She said the diet was so restrictive it was stressing her out. She is on my insurance but the first $3500 must be paid first before insurance will pay.I told her I think she should pay it.I also advised her to go to the student health center as they have many services that could help her but she refuses and does not want to take medication or get help. She  often asserts that she is an adult and I think she should take responsibility for herself and this bill she incurred. She lives rent free at home and has use of my car.I also pay tuition and books.I have given her a small allowance but lately she has refused to help around the house with chores so I have taken that away.She also will not get a job and we have a large mall in walking distance from home she could find work there and walk.She has some money in the bank of her own.She is intelligent and had been labeled gifted and I think I am being taken for a ride. What are your thoughts on this? Thanks in advance

ANSWER:

Once a dependant adult (your daughter) throws out the words “…I’m an adult, you can’t….or I don’t have to do…” I STRONGLY encourage people to rethink their positions on what is expected of that dependant adult in the home. It is fairly obvious that things need to be radically different. She doesn’t respect you and expects you to provide. This sense of entitlement is unfortunate, but it needs to be dealt with. I suggest you just give her information. NO threats, NO emotions. Just information about what is gong to be happening. What is happening is up to you. Maybe rent starts happening, maybe use of the car stops etc…If she is unwilling to do any of the things you suggest then it is time for her to move out on her own. Give her a date when you expect her out by and offer that you will help her look for Studio apts etc… All this needs and can be done with out threats etc… Treat her calmly and matter of factly.

David

http://www.help4life.net

 

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