The biggest losers are the kids…


QUESTION:

My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 yrs now. He is currently 32, and I am 29. We have two kids, one is 5 and the other 3. In August, my husband had gotten laid off from his long time job, and started working with my father on the farm. As time went on, I had asked him to go out and have family times, or take the kids to places, or just have a date night out as a couple. Time after time he would just simply say no, and maybe it would be better a later time. The following years, I decided to just go out on my own. I started having my girls nights out, but my husband never said anything or denied me of having fun with the kids or my friends. 2011 was the year when I really felt we have distanced ourselves from each other. Once in awhile he would show his affection, and other times I would feel him cold and would just come home from work and would concentrate on the kids. I also felt I placed 100% of my love and attention to my kids and making them happy. That year I noticed that I had started to have fantasies of other men, and started to like other men. I noticed I started to like a co-worker/friend that he works with on the farm with my father. At 1st I just thought it was just the another fantasy I was having with the other guys I would just randomly look at, at the soccer fields, since my husband plays soccer every weekend. That other man confessed to me that he was interested in me, and we started to have a relationship. This other man is currently living with another woman who has 3 children of her own, and he had a daughter with her, his daughter is currently 3 months old. He says it was nothing and that they currently have no relationship, and that he is just there to be close to his daughter. I find out I was pregnant. By the dates of what my doctor tells me of when i conceived, the father of my baby could be the other man. I hesitated to tell my husband I was pregnant, but he doesn’t know that it is not his baby. I told the other man, he is happy with the news of the baby. We have had several conversations, sometimes he would say he doesn’t regret the pregnancy, but he regrets ever starting anything with me. Overall he is content with the baby, and we have even decided on what we were going to name the baby. I am scared with the situation with my husband and the other man. There are days I don’t know wether to continue my marriage and just live with the lie that this is his baby, but then I get to thinking for the future of “what-if’s”. I realize that someday the truth will come out eventually. I continue to debate on my feelings for my husband, he is a good man, and a great provider for the family, I wish I could say that I love him as much as the day we got married, or at least more, but the words simply do not come out. As far as living situation I could not complain, but the love and affection was missing, and I truly felt he no longer cared for me. He realized he was loosing me, and finally told me to stop going out so much and started to pay more attention to me and giving me the affection I was needing, but there are times I feel I don’t want it anymore, even having intimacy with him is difficult, its even gotten to the point where it hurts. Sometimes I feel he was to late to finally realize that I was not going to stay in this situation forever. With the other man, he shows his affection towards me, but then I don’t feel I trust him. He is 22 years old, and I am 29. I have gone through his cell phone a couple times, and recently saw he was texting other woman. One was another woman who is also has a boyfriend, and another who he is trying to go out with. I am not sure if he is having anything with them. I also saw texts of the woman he had his baby with, he would send kisses, and other times he would yell at her over text. The last time we had talked, he asked what I would be planning on telling my husband. Told him that I think I will tell him that it is over. He then told me a plan for the future, that when and if I ever separate from my husband, that afterwards he would ask me out, so that he could be with me. So that it doesn’t raise suspicion that we were ever together before. My family doesn’t appreciate the other man, my father works with him, and he complains about him almost everyday of how lazy he is, and how he doesn’t think, and he is to young and will never grow up even if he has a daughter to care for. I wonder what kind of life I would have with this other man, how my kids will grow up. I think about how I don’t want to hurt my children by staying in a relationship with my husband thinking wether I love him or I am just with him for their sake. I know I have made the mistake of being with this other man and getting pregnant, but I am in love with this baby, and very excited to have him. Then I get to thinking about who to stay with, what path I should take. 1st path would be to stay with my husband and try to love him like I did before, or risk to live an unhappy life of not loving anyone but my kids. 2nd path is to be with the other man, and risk the outcome of the relationship. Knowing he is young and probably not know what he wants, I don’t know if he knows what love is and commitment. 3rd path would be just to make myself happy and just see how things go with either one. Who would be more valuable to be with and who will actually fight for me to be with them. If either one is even interested to be with me in the end. My husband and I have talked about my doubts of our marriage, and that I am unsure of my feelings for him. That I want to make the choice to be fair to him and myself, but that I don’t know if whatever I decided I would regret my choice in the end. He simply said to me that whatever choice I make, if I want to be with him that we need to make it work. But if no longer want to stay in this marriage then he would accept and change his feelings for me, but that right now he loves me so much and he would be there for me no matter what and will be there for the kids.

ANSWER:

The biggest losers in this situation are all the kids. You adults can’t get life figured out, but yet you continue to make children. They don’t have a choice in the matter but all you adults do. Doesn’t that upset you, I know it infuriates me at times. So should you stay….yes you should. You had kids and at some point had passion for this guy. The problem is you guys got into a rut and just let life happen. Both of you didn’t keep the passion going. How could you love him when you started putting your energies towards seeking out someone else. My suggestion is that you start putting your sole focus on your husband even if you don’t FEEL like it. If you do behavior that shows you are in love with him you will feel different and he will feel different. I also STRONGLY suggest you seek a marriage therapist who can help you both figure out a plan of action for your marriage. STOP with the fantasy life of the “what ifs…” This 22 yr old is not interested in kids, he is interested in women who will give it up to him. You became one of those woman. Please consider my advice at least for your kid’s sake.

David

www.help4life.net

 

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