If you focus on yourself of course your marriage will suck…


  QUESTION:

I have been married for 15 years. I got engaged at 17- when I was way too young- and we got married when I was 20. My husband is 4 years older. We never really accepted each other and we had communication issues since the very beginning. We kept on having conflicts in our marriage all the time. We were lucky if we had a good week without conflicts or fights. We have 2 kids, age 9 and 13. Many times I felt trapped He worked most of the time and I work a lot too. We never really spent time together, like going on vacations or places- only a few times, but when we did we got nasty toward each other and we always suffered conflicts-  and I feel like we have been apart for 10 years or so, our sex life is minimum to zero and we do not show too much affection. We never cheated on each other, but I feel like a single woman who is still looking for prince charming.I had 2 guys who I really liked during the last 10 years but I never got close to them. My husband watches porno on a regular basis. We call each other names and things just got worse to the point that I feel like we need to separate because of the kids.I don’t want them to be hurt in this miserable relationship. Finances are not very good but I think we could manage living separately though.
I am  worried about the kids. How is the change and separation and the new living arrangements would effect them .
Do you have an advice?

   

ANSWER:


Of course your seperation will hurt the kids because it is another thing in a long line of you two focusing on yourselves rather than really focusing on them. Instead of pointing out what your husband is doing wrong how about starting with changing yourself? This can be done by treating your husband like he is the most important person to you. While you may not FEEL like it, I suggest you go against your feelings and work on this marriage for the sake of your children. I think both of you have constantly focused on what should happen to make yourselves happy. Because of this you both are never happy. If you both took time to make life better for the other person you would have a radically different relationship. You probably won’t be able to do this on your own so I would suggest you seek out a married therapist to help you both focus on one another and your children rather than yourselves.
David
www.help4life.net

 

2 thoughts on “If you focus on yourself of course your marriage will suck…

  1. Sacred Marriage is a great book that helped me. I too had an almost identical situation… marriage at 19, he is 5 years older, he was abusive in several forms (which have been addressed), he lacked parenting skills because of his own childhood, he also suffered from communication and trust issues as a result of a bad childhood. We have spent time apart in the past 17+ years, BUT just as God promises… he did not give us more than we could handle! I too had a bad childhood and this led to dysfunctional behaviors on my part as well; however, it was always easier to focus on his. About 12 years ago, I started faithfully attending church, regularly. I am something of a perpetual learner, making it much easier to learn more and more about myself over the years. I was able to have the good fortune to be involved in a Sunday school class wherein they facilitated the Sacred Marriage text. Marriage is not about being happy, not for ourselves or our spouses, BUT rather to bring us closer to God. Can I tell you, when I learned that, it was life changing. Unfortunately, this was during an ‘off’ time with my spouse, he was out of the home, making it more difficult. I had to start doing the work for both of us (and our 6 children). A year later God sent me a mentor, this mentor walked with me in this season and taught me to be a wife with much compassion, mercy, patience and love. I did not get a return on that investment for almost another year! BUT God is faithful and he has allowed me to do for my spouse, expecting nothing in return. He has softened my husband’s once hardened heart and allowed him to trust, forgive and love again. I was not allowing my husband to be my hero, men need us to love, trust and build them up as the men of the house. I was so busy telling him everything he was doing wrong it left no room for love. He and I are perfectly created for one another, what I lack he possess’ and what he lacks I do… we have wasted much time, time that we could have been learning from one another, learning how to be children of God. While I know that everything happens for a reason and only in ‘his time’, I can’t help but to think that my free will, pride and ego got in the way and allowed many detours that prolonged what we have today… joy, complete joy. We are best friends, but even like best friends we do fuss at one another from time to time. What we don’t do, is stay angry, go to bed mad, or stop communicating. We are so very different in sooooo many ways, and had we waited til later in life, we likely would not have picked one another because of those differences, BUT God is divine and I thank him everyday for my marriage. Please consider looking into Sacred Marriage or just simply watch Fireproof… these were instrumental in my walk. Don’t give up, ask God for the strength to endure more, and more importantly that you would have compassion, mercy and Godly love for your husband. You will be rewarded.

  2. Pingback: The biggest losers are the kids… « Help 4 Life

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