You can change your behavior not your feelings…


QUESTION:

My marriage is in trouble,my husband and I fight all the time.we have been married for almost a year and the day we got married I saw smses he exchanged with another woman ,they were declaring love for one another and I think this have been going even before we dated because when we were dating in 2009 I saw the romantic sms he sent to the same woman and that time I never asked him about them.I simply thought when him and I get serious it will stop but to my suprise it didnt stop even when we we were getting married.I confronted him about it and the explanation he gave me don’t really hold any water.I think he lied about the whole thing.This changed the dynamic of our relationship,He has never showed any remorse about this issue.I doubt the foundation my marriage is built in,I feel like is based on a lie,I dont trust him anymore.Im angry with him and more so that he is emotionally distant and sometimes when we having a conversation he says some things that really hurt my feeling and then he says Im sensitive. For example one time when I told him a book I was reading its a bit boring,he said  its because you cant read strategic books,the only thing you can read are novels and another time I was telling him I’m bad at making jokes he said  what kind of person are you who cant make jokes.This issues have left me feeling unloved and we went for counseling,we were advised to try a few things like writing what we expect from each other and acting on those expectations.I tried to follow through on this, the more I tried the more it felt I’m giving husband more ammunition to take advantage of me,he will come home from work and sit on the  couch and expect me to bring him everything he needs from the kitchen and after that he falls asleep like I don’t exists.
Please give me pointers on how I can deal with my anger and bitterness.I believe I cant control what my husband does and cant force him to change but how to I make him realize his actions are hurting me and do you think I can make my marriage work and how can I do it when my husband don’t want to commit to make changes.I suggested we try a few things and even bought a book his needs her needs to use as a guideline but he says I want to apply what I read in books in our lives.
what do you suggest I do in this case.The biggest challenge for is that I’m not working at the moment and I moved across countries to be with him and I have to depend on him financially

ANSWER:

You are right that you can’t change him, but you can change yourself. You are viewing this situation from a skewed perspective. You said yourself that your FEEL like things are based on a lie. If you continue to give in to that feeling nothing will change in your relationship. You have to decide if you are going to continue to live in what happened in the past or move on from that. If you decide to move on from that, then you must change your behavior which will change you perspective. You can’t change your FEELINGS, but you can change your behavior. I assume you want to be married. If so then act like it and stop being stuck in the past. I make it sound easy and I know it isn’t, but to me it’s a matter of choice. Once you make a choice commit to it and work at it. If you do this I think your perspective will change. Is your husband perfect…NO, but he will notice you are doing things different and he will do something different, it’s inevitable. If you want more info about relationships with guys go to my website and download my free ebook.
David

www.help4life.net

 

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