Time to invite her to leave…


QUESTION:

I am at wits end; I see if you have addressed this issue before and am looking for additional advice. I also have a 20 yr old at home that I have struggled with for 2 yrs in regards to household rules.  She actually was tidier before she graduated, since then she has become impossible.  If we have company that comes we have them take one of the downstairs bedrooms adjacent to hers, and have them use the bathroom in between.  There have been times that I have had to spend 2 hours cleaning simply because she will not keep it acceptable, and I would never allow our company to deal with something I find completely unacceptable.  She either comes home at all hours, stays out all night or even brings overnight guests here – it’s like she feels she cannot sleep alone.  She never helps out around the house, leaves lights on to the point of driving my husband to take out lightbulbs & comes upstairs to use our toothpaste, laundry soap etc. She has been in college and has a part time unscheduled job, and so I have been allowing her to live here for free including groceries.  She manages to spend enough on clothes that when we finally resorted to picking up all of the clothes on the floor (of both bedrooms no less) & in the closet, it amounted to 2 large leaf bags.  This was after taking out & washing 15 bath towels, I am just appalled, disappointed, and so sad that it has come to this.  We took the clothes away & stated that she would have to follow these simple rules: bath & bedroom clean, remaining clothes & 2 towels washed, 2, sleep at home every night (no overnight guests) 3, go to church.  If this happened I would give her an outfit back every Friday.  It has not happened yet.  She will “sort of” clean, and then not come home at night for days, & then I will find her & a friend sleeping here at night or during the day.  The 1st wk she washed no clothes.
I raised her to be better than this.  She is beautiful & smart enough to be a doctor but has no sense.  She bought a car & makes her own car payment & then won’t take care of the car until tires are bald, windows don’t work & brakes are bad (even if we offer to help!) but will go to multiple concerts, buy clothes, get tattoos.  I also suspect she drinks more nights she is gone and left behind a boy that treated her like a queen to hang out with a guy going nowhere that has aggression & obsession issues.  Due to this guy (he has a place) I am reluctant to kick her out, and honestly I wouldn’t even know how without it being terribly traumatic; changing the locks & refusing to let her in.  She will apologize when I finally get completely frustrated, be loving and promise all kinds of things, and then not bother to follow through on even one.  I had no idea that she could be so dishonest, but she will even lie if I am upstairs & say she cleaned just to get out the door before I noticed, I am starting to have no respect / trust.  When I try to talk w/her she just says I am making her feel like ___, so “how would that help”, “she has a job & is going to school so is doing fine” etc.  I don’t want to do this anymore period.  I have 3 kids, 1 left & am seriously tired.  Can I ship her to bootcamp?  Thanks for your advice

ANSWER:

What you have is a dependant adult that is making all the rules in your house. It seem to me that you should be the one making the rules. You bring up the point of her not kicking out because of the obsessive boyfriend. What you say doesn’t make sense. They are already sleeping together and you worried if you kick her out she will live there? While I don’t agree with it, she is already heading that direction whether or not you kick her out. You have ZERO control over her. She is using and abusing you in your own home and you are tolerating it. I think that is WRONG. You need to let her know that in 3 months if things don’t change that she is going to need to move out. No threats, no screaming, no yelling. It’s just information that you give her. Be very specific in what you expect. Then when 3 months comes along and she hasn’t improved she it out. Don’t let the emotion of it control you. That will just make things worse. She currently has the best of both worlds. She doesn’t have to pay for rent and food and can come and go as she pleases. Who wouldn’t want that?? Be the parent and let her know her behavior isn’t acceptable and if it doesn’t change she will no longer be welcome.

David

www.help4life.net

 

Make yourself heard!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s