Do what’s best for you…


QUESTION:

Hi Mr. Simonsen,
People tend to judge the “child” when it comes to parents, if there is a problem.  That’s a shame, because often times, it’s not the child but the parent.
All my life my mother has criticized me, judged me, and put me down.  When I was about 11 or so, she actually told me I was border-line retarded.  I’m not.  She also told me in Jr. high, the only reason I had any friends, was because she subbed there.  She threatened to come into my room, in my 20’s, because she said my hair was so stringy and she was going to cut it all off.  In my adulthood (I’m 46 and she is 71) she continues to berate me:  Everything from my grammar – which she use to correct my daddy in front of people, when he used “bad” grammar, to the tee shirts I wear.  I like rock band tee shirts and she has told me, she hopes the neighbors never see such a shirt on me!  She has written hateful e-mails to three of her neighbors, and every time one of them is with another neighbor, she gets so angry.  She has even asked me if “so and so” was at so and so’s house!  On my sisters wedding day, several years ago, she told her, while they were driving to the church, how fat and horrible she looked.  Her own daughter – on her wedding day.  My sister broke down in tears.
My mothers sister, who is local, quit speaking to her, several years back.  I see why.
I wonder, if my mother knew that one day, when I was an adult, I would come to hate her, would she still have said and done the things she did, all my life?  It’s too late for us. Mothers are suppose to lift up their children, not degrade them.  Thank God I have no children!  Never will.
My question is:  I have decided to no longer have her in my life.  Which is a healthy decision for me.  How do I do this?  Do I tell her or just do like her sister did, no longer communicate with her, at all.
Thank you

ANSWER:

If what you are saying is true, then I think cutting off or at least limiting contact is the wise thing to do. There is no reason you should stay in an abusive relationship such as this. I think you let her know that you are doing what is best for you without going into a long history of drama. Then cut off contact. At a minimum I would suggest you contact 2 times a year maybe, because what if she changes? This gives an opportunity for forgiveness to be had. David http://www.help4life.net

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