Robbing the cradle…


  QUESTION:

Hello Mr. Simonsen,

My boyfriend (44 yrs old) and I (24 yrs old) have been dating off and on for almost 2 years. After only 5 days of reconciliation, we called it quits……again.

We met under unfortunate circumstances…..he was married. When his divorce from her was final, that’s when things went downhill. He lost the section 8 house, which caused him living off people (including me off and on) for 9 months until he got his own place.

As our relationship progressed post divorce, so did the problems. He blamed me for a lot of negative that happened in his life, he would tell me who he didn’t want me talking to, he talked about me to others in a negative light, he would accuse me of not trying hard enough in our relationship, he didn’t care to sit and have a civil conversation with me when we had a problem. Even when we were arguing, he didn’t care to listen by interrupting me or denying my feelings for him. Also, every time we broke up, he felt the need to find other women to try and start something with or ask his ex back. Once, back in July , I found a text message to his ex saying some of the same things he would to me when he wants to get back together.  I confronted him about it and he claims he did it because she was feeling down in the dumps and he didn’t want her attitude to affect their kids, so he wanted to try and make “her feel better”. He said it meant nothing. Of course I don’t believe it. He claims he got over her and how his life was with her in November . He would compare me to people telling me what they had that I was lacking or what they did better. The biggest hurt for me was when I lost my grandma October .  We were apart at the time. I text him telling him she just passed away and please be easy on me (2 nights before, I had asked for my keys back but he told me to fuck off). I was basically trying to tell him to be nice to me. I get nothing from him; my keys, no text, no phone call, no NOTHING!!!! Three days later, I literally begged him to talk to me so I can at least get some closure on our relationship. He asks me why and basically tells me there is no point because I didn’t want him anymore.  I then said “it would be really important to me, so I’ll call you Sunday to talk.”  I called him once, and he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail that took me an hour to record (only allows 5 min to record), and 2 text messages, but no answer from either attempt.  He comes up to me 5 days later apologizing about my grandma.  This whole situation hurt me SO bad because this person who says he loves me, claims he would do anything for me, or says how all I need to do is call if I need him won’t respond when I do reach out. When his ex says she’s down and out over stupid shit, he automatically “tries to make her feel better” or says nice things to her.

We just broke it off again last night because I thought of my grandma and everything I went through with him during my time of need.  I expressed how I felt and it turned into a fight. He said I need to let the past go so we can move on, but we never resolved the past. He said I haven’t given him a chance to show that it’s different.  He didn’t want to break up, and I told him I can’t continue this.  He told me that I was a joke, that I was stupid, a moron, idiot, etc and I won’t find a good man like him who will love me like he does. I’m a Christian, but he doesn’t believe in Christ. He said “pray hard but it still won’t happen. God is as big of a joke as you are. But I loved you”

His actions cause me to be an angry, physically and verbally abusive person…at least towards him. After a long time of this behavior, I finally realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I found a website that, i guess you can say, said what I wanted to hear: instead of leaving the relationship, because it’s cowardly, you need to stay and try to work through it. But how? Since my boyfriend doesn’t care what I have to say, he ALWAYS refused counseling (at least until he got his own place), or danced around the subject with empty promises. How can I continue if I’ve been so hurt? How can I look past the pain and all the dark moments in my life when I was with him? Should I sweep my past issues with him under the rug in order to move on? ANY comments, questions, etc would be GREATLY appreciated. Sorry its lengthy.

Thank you

   

ANSWER:

Your question specifically points out why relationships with a huge age gap in them don’t tend to work well. He wants someone who will do what he asks when he asks and at some point you complied with that. It was when you needed someone to be there emotionally that you found out that he really isn’t interested in your emotions. He is more interested in getting you in bed. I suggest that if you are a Christian that you find someone of your own age who has the same beliefs as you. You are just starting out in life and this guy should be much more stable. I think he is simply looking for a lady to hang out with not commit to. I also suggest you seek out some wise counsel so you can get a better idea of what a good relationship looks like for you. DON’T get back together with this guy it will only continue to be abusive and hurtful, which is something you don’t need.
David
www.help4life.net

 

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