Learn from your mistakes…


 

 

QUESTION:

Hi,

My problem is big. I love my boyfriend. We actually met online a little over 2 years ago. We decided to meet after chatting for around 2-3 weeks. We saw each other 2 weeks in a row and after we had sex, he told me he was not sure on chat. So I said its OK. After an hour, he was at my door telling me he wants to be in a serious relationship with me and he spurted out “I love you” which he later confessed to have not meant. We started a relationship and saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. After a while it was time to meet the girlfriends. I approached them nicely and they tried to approach me superiorly, not bothering to get to know me as the girlfriend of their friend, and even showing discomfort from my presence. Before this happened however, right after we had sex, my boyfriend had told me he had started liking one of them. I expressed my discomfort to him and he told me I am jealous for no reason. One day when his facebook was open, I read his messages. He was telling one of these girls to be careful because his girlfriend is jealous and that she should come and save him, smoke some pot etc. After I saw this message, having denied many times of not having spoken bad about me to any of his friends, he didnt get the chance to get angry at me for invading his privacy. It was wrong but I needed to know. He apologized. I accepted. Then these girls started getting too much interfering, and their distance to me made me thing there should be a reason as to why they would not like someone they dont know: Jealousy..I told him if he wants to stay with me, he gives them up. After many many talks and discussions, and several times of break-up attempts, he gave them up. After that, I was not happy about his marijuana smoking (we live in amsterdam, netherlands). I made him make a choice between me and marijuana also. I just think substance users are weak and my boyfriend can not be weak. So he gave that up too but he said he also wanted to give it up. We moved in together. Our arguments started getting louder and our tolerance lessened. He tells me he loves me and he is very happy with me, but whenever i tell him something like ” i just cleaned please be careful not to mess the kitchen (he likes cooking) or please pee sitting” he treats me like i make life difficult..maybe i am indeed a little bit uptight. but i want him to respect the fact that if i clean and wash clothes he has to be a little bit careful about keeping things clean. We are abusive to each other everytime we argue we say bad things. Usually its me who apologizes…I can not dare to break up with him. But the truth is no matter how much love there is, due to many small lies of him that i caught, the immaturity of his friends (taking pictures of girls wearing tangas in parties they go and then sending my boyfriend these pictures is one example) , and the way he treats me tells me I should put an end to this relationship because there is certainly something missing. I have a fault in this for sure. WHen I have to do something he interferes with my concentration always. When he wants to do something alone he rages at me and shouts “can i stay alone one time that i want to” when i talk to him….i think he sees things from a narrow window…doesnt realize we equally deserve respect. I certainly dont think he respects the effort i put into keeping things in order in our life, and at the same time trying to keep him happy….shouldnt he be respecting that and show my some understanding? May be its a big communication gap that may even get bigger…but our discussions are never without shouting at each other…and i dont know whether its something that can be fixed or not…in our last argument, he pushed me and i pushed him…i dont think its going in the right direction….help me

   

ANSWER:

J,
There are times in life when we make bad choices and this was one of several. It started off harmless, but then you slept with him…then moved in with him…then controlled him in order to change him…then say you love him…You have made a series of bad choices and while you feel stuck and “in love” this is not love. It has turned into fear and probably obligation. I strongly suggest you get out and learn your lesson. He doesn’t want to be in the relationship most likely, but doesn’t know how to get out of it with out hurting you too badly. Do yourself a favor and get out before you waste any more time hurting one another.
David
http://www.help4life.net

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