A refreshing question…


  QUESTION:

I’m 51. Divorced once. Dating for 4 years since my divorce. I want to get married again. Although my marriage ended in divorce I’m for marriage. I like the team, future common goals, commitment, etc.
My boyfriend does not want to get married. He made that clear since the beginning. Maybe I was/am to afraid to really make it on my own (I do pay all my own bills and own my home)  so he  is excellent for encouraging me to be the best I can be. He helps me with some of my home projects and expenses that he can help me get at a lower cost. He encouraged me to go to school for a trade. I help him with this trade and he pays me. I also work on my own with this trade and I pay him to use his insurance and license. I have my own business (passion) for 26 years which requires me to work those part time jobs to pay the bills. I’m a go getter who is not afraid of hard work. We enjoy one another’s company, like to travel on road trips together, like to work together, sleep together closely…. However, I want to get married. Last night he told me that I have a better chance of going to the moon than finding a man who loves me enough to marry me. No men want to get married and I’ll be looking forever. Also men want women who have a job and a home and basically I don’t have that to offer a man. This morning I woke up and realized I’m not happy. I also told him that his words made me feel unworthy of marriage and dismissed my hard work and self supporting ethic. So my question is: Am I over reacting? Do people really want to get married for the sake of being married?

ANSWER:

 

  It’s not often that I find a question refreshing, but I found yours to be so. It is well though out and not irrational. You actually are trying to figure something out and you seem willing to carefully consider both sides. I don’t think you are overreacting and I do think that people really want to get married. The problem you have is that you have invested years hoping this guy would change when all along he has told you he is not interested in marriage. It also sounds from what you say that you won’t be able to change his mind. So you have to decide if you are going to stay or not. I disagree with him about men wanting to get married. Marriage is difficult and many don’t want to have to man up and make the covenant and commitment and thus simply live together with really no commitment. I think it is admirable that you want marriage. The problem is your man doesn’t so what will you do? If you want to get married then you need to break it off and when you do find another guy be very up front with him and ask him what he wants long-term in the relationship. It sounds like you are dating for marriage not for fun, thus you need to find someone who is like-minded.

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