The big mooch…


  Question:

My brother on occasions asks me for money and never pays me back. He is 40 and does not work. I have given him money to help him but because he does not pay me I want to stop this.

When he asks me to “lend” money he puts pressure on asking me over the phone usually for most of the day claiming he desperately
needs money to pay a bill for food,cigarettes, rent etc. He does not really know how to handle money and usually spends it as soon as gets any.

There is part of me that is scared of his aggressive tone when he asks for money. He tries to make me feel guilty if I say I will not “lend” him the money. At this stage he has not paid me back the last money. In fact the majority of the time he contacts me is for money. When he has contacted me and put pressure on it makes me feel depressed for that day also. It also makes me feel he would not survive if I did not help him. Almost to the point where he may not look after himself. May be drink to excess not eat properly etc. I don’t want his life and health to go downhill but I can can’t keep giving him money to pay for his bills, food entertainment etc. I don’t want him to destroy himself. He is intelligent and I would like him to be more responsible, develop more principles and find a job. I don’t think this will happen because of his attitude.

I am 49 work and live in my own house and he sees me as a safety net for money. Previously it was my Dad and my Mum. Now it’s me he comes to for money. My brother has some good points but I don’t want this pressure for money. How can I stop this please and feel ok about it?

Answer:

  You can only be in control of yourself. As long as you continue to give money he will stay stuck in his cycle of whatever he is in. You are hurting him rather than helping. I suggest you stop taking phone calls from him and focus on your life, rather than attempting to help him live his. If he comes to your door make sure you have some pamphlets ready for the local shelter or addiction group that he may need to attend. When you give money you are only hurting. Giving him money is about assuaging your guilt, which in reality is selfish. Stop being selfish.

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