Make better choices…please…


  Question:

I met my boyfriend June of last year. I had just walked out of a four year relationship that April and he was in the process of divorcing his ex wife of 13 years. I’m 25 years old and hes 37. He has 3 kids from this previous marriage and we’re due to have our first child together in October. In August of last year he was fired from his job and we decided to move in together. (i know, crazy, after only a month# I just had this feeling that I didn’t have with anyone else before and i knew, despite all the baggage he came with, that he was an amazing man and someone i could see myself spending the rest of my life with, so i took a chance. That September he got custody of his eldest son and that meant I would maintaining them 2 plus myself plus his other 2 kids every other weekend. I did this until January of this year when he finally got a job after we moved to be closer to my parents. I have done everything and anything i could possibly do to help and support him. I do more for his children than his ex wife. I have spent so much emotionally, physically, and financially for this man and his children and in turn never get any respect or appreciation #like i HAVE to do what im doing, not that I WANT to#. Thing is, and this has been the battle since day one, he never defends me and im more of the affectionate one. #he didn’t have affectionate parents# His children are ALWAYS right and never do wrong. I’ve seen pictures and heard stories about his past and have always been a little jealous that his past life was probably a lot better for him than ours is now. That the beginning of his past relationship was probably all about his ex and he probably showered her with things and love and so on. Even so that they went right into having a child 2 months after meeting and after failing trying all over again. Enough to marry her right before the birth of their first born. If he has committed to making a new family then why is he so determined to not marry again? #she cheated on him several times, and I have told him several times that i would never do that, that if you feel you have to cheat then your not in love to begin with so you shouldn’t be together)I’ve had so many questions and none answered. Then today, he left his e-mail open and i took a peek. I read an e-mail his sister and him were sending back and forth. She asked about the baby and how exciting it must be for him. He responded with what i think is the most heart wrenching answer. He told her that he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing. That he wasn’t in love with me. That im a good girl and all but hes not in love yet. That maybe after the baby is born things will change. That he bites his tongue everyday because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings like his ex did to him. How can he after a year not be in love? How can he ask me to have a baby with him if he isn’t in love? How can he sleep in the same bed, and be intimate when he isn’t in love? How can he do to me what his ex did to him and caused him so much hurt? Why didn’t he just date me instead of asking to start a new life with me? Why would he think of buying a house next year and continue living with someone hes not in love with? I don’t understand. I have yet to confront him and don’t plan to until after the baby is born. I need him by my side right now and i don’t think its selfish that i know this information and keep it from him until i get what i need which is him by my side for the birth of our son. Please help me understand this.

   
Answer:

You are not doing the right thing. It is unfortunate you are pregnant because another child will most likely be brought into the world and introduced to a broken home. In my opinion the right thing to do now is to leave this guy and move in with your parents. You should not have moved in or gotten pregnant. None of that matters now. What matters is what you will do now. Him not being into you should be a HUGE red flag. What is confronting really going to do? Force him to love you? That doesn’t seem right. I think it would be better to have your family by your side and him. He is most likely going to leave you because he has no real commitment to you other than you share some bills together. It is unfortunate, but I encourage you strongly to start making some better choices or your child will suffer.

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