Refocus your energy…

  Q: Hi there,thank you for reading this and any advice would be very much appreciated.Iv been in my relationship for 6 mnths now,We met on a dateing site,I have 2 children my daughter 12 and son 15, my son lives with my parents because of past issues regarding his anger problems and my x husband who brought both my children up i split from him because of his drinking problems, my sons dad died when he was a baby and daughters dad isant interested in relationship with my son has got lots better and my son seems to be sorting his behaviour out with lots of help and support.I  am at present awaiting for my home to be repossesed as im unable to offord my morgage payments even tho i do work so at the moment we are unsure about where we are going to be liveing to and when.(my boyfrind says we can move in with him but that would be a big mistake being so soon)Since i met my boyfriend he has been so so supportive a great role model for my children and would do any thing for us, he loves me so much but is very insecure,the reason for this is because of his past relationship where his x took his son away from him and moved back to her own country,but he does see his son as often as possible.At the beginning i was so happy with my boyfriend but then his insecuritys, questions,not trusting me,wanting to know everything,where i was what i was doing all the time,Didnt like me going out with frineds now and again.who i was chatting to who i txt even checked my mobile a couple of times and emails without my prior knowledge!.all this has caused a problem for us.I havent cheated on him but did send a few emails back and forth to a male friend i met on dateing site before i met boyfriend who lives a long way from me so nothing would come of it but just chatted to eachother for advice really about my relationship,he saw these emails when checked them(said it was an accident checking my mails!!) but went mad saying i shouldnt ask others for advice and i shouldnt have male friends like that.And he brings this up all the time which causes an argument.this has pushed me away,i make excuses up to not have sex or even kiss him i even sometimes  dont want to be with him,so i push him away and make excuses saying im confused dont want to be in a full on relationship with him or anyone,but then i feel like i miss him again and want to call him,He is very confused and hurting understandably,may be i just dont want to be alone, He says i should be thinking of the kids as he is so good with them and they love haveing him around but if im NOT in love with him it wouldnt be fair on anyone to carry on with this.I dont know if i am in love with him,i dont think i am.Im just very confused.At the moment we have decided to give it a break and see how it goes,even tho he has given me such a hard time over it and its not what he wants.Thank you again for any advice you can give me.


  A:When one has kids, I believe their focus needs to be on the raising of them. You are getting sidetracked by putting energy into a relationship that takes away focus from your parenting. Your kids don’t need you to be in a failed relationship. They need a mom who has enough energy and focus to help them enter the adult world. Based on the info you have given you are not doing that. The home issues, the ex issues alone give you enough things to worry about. Why in the world would you want to bring this unstable man into their lives. It would not be fair to them, especially since they didn’t choose him. Focus on your kids, not on your love life right now.

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