Focus on your kids…


Question: hi, I will give you some background and will try to be as brief as I can!
I am a white 35yr old female, I am now divorced and have two sons from that relationship aged 5 & 8 years.  I met my husband when I was 14.  We were married for 12 yrs but i feel that i grew out of him.  We had a stable, mostly happy marriage with the usual financial stress and children responsiblities.  Out of the blue, I met a guy (asian) at work and for both of us it was like a magnetic  attraction and got on like a house on fire.  He was the complete oppo of my husband, he was sincere, tentative, respectful.  I told my husband about him and we agreed to seperate in March 2007.  B/c of the children I just moved into my own place and we continued our realationship which has been wonderful but as a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship.  My family initially took his culture v hard but they came around.  As yet i have not met any of his family really b/c he shyed away from this in the first yr and his father was very ill during the 2nd year and recently passed away.I want more from this but he finds my 5 year old hard to click with and they clash.  I think my son is resentful of him.  I was angry at the fact i had not met his family yet i had ultimately been through a divorce and all sorts b/c of him.  He has also said that in the future he wants children ( perhaps 2) this has put pressure on me as i am not sure i could go bk to all of that? We agreed to seperate and i have now had a few wks of single life which i think i like. I have never been single before.  Although i do not wish to sleep around the freedom is great  and i have only ever known my husband and now him.  His mum has now agreed to meet me as i am unsure now as to what i want.  When i look ahead, all i can see is problems.  He doesnt take to my son, if we have children there will be the cultural differences, he will have to stay with his mum a couple of nights per wk as she is now a widow.  Its easier for both of us to split but it is so hard when we havent fallen out and we still love oneanother.  Im getting conflicting advise from family/friemds and i just dont know???? Help
 
Answer: I am probably the wrong person to ask, because I have pretty strong feelings about what you describe. In your description you kept talking about yourself with only a couple mentions of your 5 year old. In my mind, when you had kids your single love life stopped. Your focus, in my opinion, should be on the raising if your kids and not whether this guy is the right one to stay in a relationship with. Your 5 yr old already is having problems. I actually don’t think people should re-marry after divorce due to the huge amount of problems that come with re-marriage and relationships. There is a higher rate of divorce, kids relationships suffer with their bio-parents and step-parents, new kids are made and original ones feel left out. There are just too many risky variables(that you see already). So bottom-line, I think your energy should be solely focused on the raising of your kids, not on the ups and downs of your love-life.

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