It’s not about you…


Question: I am 27 years old and have been married for almost a year. My husband just turned 26 and is in the military. We went to high school together and were friends and then lost each other afterward. I went to college and dated around, he went to the military and really didn’t date. I broke up with a boyfriend of 2 years and found my husband on a website and we began talking again. He was stationed in Iraq and we talked for an entire year with the prospect of dating when he came home. He came home for 2 weeks in December, we decided we wanted to be together and then he left again for 2 months until he got out completely of active duty in February. We moved into a house together March first, he proposed April 15th and we were married December 13th. I love being with my husband and love his companionship, but I’m just really confused because I have never felt a spark. I am currently very bored in my marriage and I thought these were supposed to be the “golden years”. Now I am really concerned that we rushed into our relationship and that we are better off as friends and not as spouses. I don’t want to hurt him but I have been so unhappy that we recently separated because I was feeling smothered and trapped. I am not sure if this is something I want to work on anymore. I feel like he still needs so much “growing up” to do when it comes to relationships… or is that just me looking for answers??
 
Answer: Hayley,
The problem as I see it is that all you seem to think about is yourself. If you aren’t happy then there must be something wrong with him or the relationship. Could it be that you are the one who needs to honor your vows and you are the one who as his wife should focus on making him happy? Marriage in my mind is about making life easier for the one you married not about what you can get out of it. I know, I know you don’t FEEL the spark. The problem is marriage isn’t about a spark. It is about being with your best friend, lover, irritant, etc…and still making the CHOICE to put the other above yourself. Society is not into this selflessness, because most of society encourages do what makes you happy. I don’t agree with society.

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