Get out of Limbo…


Question: My name is Hollie, i’m 21 and I would really like your advice, my relationship is in such a mess and I don’t know what to do.
My partner Michael (30) and I have been living together for 7 months now. We only knew each other a little before he moved in, i offered him my sofa after he was evicted but after a few days we were an item and a couple of months later he’d met my parents and we were having such a good time that we decided he should just stay permanently.
Everything was going really well, he had gotten himself a job and i decided to go back to college and we were discussing getting married in a few years. But recently (the past two weeks or so) i’ve been feeling really trapped and think i might want out of the relationship.
It seems to have coincided with me starting college again. I feel really trapped, and cooped up and like i’m wasting my life away watching films.
Michael doesn’t drink and sometimes i miss going out and getting drunk and just letting my hair down.
All of my friends are male which has caused a few problems for us since he doesn’t like me heading to clubs with them (which i understand…I wouldn’t like it if he went out clubbing with some other girl).
I’m used to living on my own and before i loved having michael around all the time but now i miss my own space and sometimes feel like my home has been invaded.
It doesn’t help that he doesn’t have anywhere else to go (no family or anything) so if i asked him to go i’d be making him homeless which is not something i want to do. But it puts a lot of strain on our relationship. When i offered him a place to stay it just seemed like fun but now i feel responsible for him which wasn’t something i bargined for.
I also worry that this is just a phase that i will get over and don’t want to do anything hasty in case i really regret it.
I have know idea what to do. I know that i love michael but i miss my freedom and having my own space.
Sorry this is such a long e-mail, i’m just really confused.

Hollie

Answer: Hollie,
You ARE confused. You made decisions that don’t seem to be very smart. If you are going to be with this guy then you need to start thinking in the long-term. What you are describing is that you are not really wanting to think long-term right now and want to “enjoy” life. Mike is a damper on this time in your life. So the decision you make now could effect the rest of your life. If you want Mike for long-term then you need to give up the dreams of doing your own thing whenever you want. You can’t have it both ways because then it is not fair to him. I would suggest you let him know that he needs to move out in a few weeks or you let him know you are moving out. This would mean that he is not in your long-term plans. If he is in your long-term plan why not just get married and stop postponing the inevitable. Either way YOU need to make a decision and stop bouncing around in limbo.

3 thoughts on “Get out of Limbo…

  1. Pingback: Get out of Limbo… | jdTVu

  2. Hollie,

    Please do not be offended by what I write here. Its not intended to make you defensive, but for some people, it might do exactly that.

    You are going through a common thing, so no worries. By going to college, you have put yourself in a situation where you are around kids. However, by being with your man, you are in a place where you are an adult. You are feeling the tug of 2 worlds.

    My wife had a similar problem when she returned to college as an adult. Many in college seem to have so many “freedoms” that those in the adult real world find they have little time for. That tug is more acutely felt when we are in a relationship with someone who is older than we are. They are in a different place in life and desire different things than people our own age. When we enter into a serious committed relationship, we have to put aside certain behaviors, like not having anyone to answer to, doing what ever we want when ever we want how ever we want. These same things are true whether that relationship is a romantic relationship (bf/gf, husband/wife), or a child. We have responsibilities to that other person, just as they have responsibilities to us.

    Your choices are: stay a youngster a little longer or grow up now. You are NOT 18 any more. You WILL enter into the world of adulthood fully, where one does not go get drunk and party. It WILL happen sooner or later. There will be regrets regsrdless of which choice you take. But you have to ask yourself, “Is this the man I want to spend the rest of my life with?”. If so, then your choice is made for you. The rest is just dealing with the emotional toil of growing up. If not, then the man you re with is not your responsibility. He is an adult and can find a place where he can share rent. Simply talk it out with him and come to an agreement as to what you want to do and by when.

    My wife made the decision to get out of college, which DID remove much of the temptations, but did not really solve the problem. She still would occasionally feel ‘trapped’ for a while longer. But she has since come to the realization (according to her) that she would not trade the life we have for anything.

    I wish, as does she, that she had not quit college, but had dealt with the turmoil the tug put upon while in college instead. College is basically a job. If you can look at it that way, it makes it easier to deal with the kids there and not be put in a place emotionally where you feel trapped by the relationship you are in.

  3. I personally think you are very young to be in such a serious relationship. My opion is that you are missing out and need to step back and go separate ways, and if he is meant to be for you, maybe in a couple of years you guys would get back together.

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