Get a backbone…

Hi, I live in Canada and a few months ago started a long distance relationship with a woman from the UK.  We’ve both been married, I’m divorced as of 3 years, she’s been seperated from her husband for almost 4 years and is in the process of finalizing her divorce. When we first met it was fireworks, couldn’t get enough of eachother and we could do no wrong.  Since then I’ve found that she has been more and more demanding of me, I feel like most things I do for her are never good enough.  From the things I say to the things I do.  She was very jealous in the beginning when she went back home.  Always curious about me meeting women, even saying that I might meet someone else and break up with her.  She had me change my relationship status on facebook right away.  She told all her friends and family about me immediately.  I even went to Salsa lessons one night because I was curious and interested.  She first said that she was hoping that we could do that together, I said it was only the first lesson and there’s no reason we couldn’t in the future.  She said, no its too late I already know more than her and she wanted us to start off at the same level.  Then she asks who my dance partner was, I told her it was a group and they traded partners throughout the class. Her father was horrible to her family, especially her mother, growing up.  To the point that he was living upstairs in the same house as his wife and children with his girlfriend.  Called his wife, her mum, tombstone teeth as a nickname. So I think this may be a big part of her insecurities. During her ten year marriage, she and her husband stopped having sex after the first two years because she experienced pain.  They went to counselling for it over the next 8 years and she finally decided that they should seperate.  This devastated him and she felt horrible about it.  Last week while I was visiting her for the second time in England she found out that her ex-husband’s girlfriend is now pregnant and he has been asking to finalize their divorce.  She confided in me that she thought of him as the love of her life, wasn’t sure about her decision and still thinks they had the perfect relationship other than the sex. She told me that nobody knows her as well as he does. Things that she picks up on and has told me about include, not greeting her friends in the proper English manner.  Not saying “Thank you” for every little thing (I’m not too concerned about that one, but the way she reacted before she told me about this if I didn’t say it was a little severe, she got cold and wouldn’t speak.  She seems to constantly misinterpret things I say and take offence by them.  She gets mad, pouts and I end up apologizing. We went on a trip to Nice, I speak french well, her’s is limited so I did most of the talking.  We picked a table for breakfast in the sun, ordered our meal but the waitress told me that the meals were too large to fit all at once on our table, we could move to a larger one in the shade or have the meal split.  I chose to stay, she asked me why I didn’t include her in that decision.  Ok, I can handle that.  The next day when I asked her what time we should head to the airport for the flight home, she said, “I don’t know, why don’t you be a man and make a decision.”?? We were going to visit Windsor Castle with some friends and then stay over at their place.  I put the bags in the car, she packed her things and I had packed mine.  I threw in my jacket as well, just in case it might rain.  We got to the castle, she opens the trunk, sees my jacked there and immediately asks why I had brought it and why I didn’t get hers or ask her if she wanted hers brought…then she calls me selfish and gives me the silent treatment, tells me not to even touch her.  So I go get some tea, for both of us, she appears to calm down after I apologize, but it sets a bad tone for the rest of the day. Last friday I had asked her to watch a movie with me over skype on the Sunday, we’ve done this before.  She gave me a non-commital answer, so Sunday comes around, I chat with her over MSN in the morning, tell her I’m going out to run my sunday errands.  I get back at around 3:30pm my time, 8:30 pm hers, she asks, “What about our movie?” I say I’m up for doing it, she says, “Well its kind of late to start now.”  We debate back and forth, finally after another hour and a half she decides we can watch a movie.  This goes well, we laugh and joke with eachother over skype.  Its late where she is after the film, she gets ready for bed and I’m there to say good night to her over skype.  She tells me how late it is and that I was pretty selfish for not being home earlier to watch a movie with her and now she will be tired all week and its my fault?! It’s only been two and a half months since we met but there is a long list of these types of incidents where she gets upset.  How do I get her to relax?  What is the best way of dealing with this type of situation?  I do want things to work.  I’ve spoken with a relationship counsellor and she seems to think my girlfriend may be narcissistic.  She does tend to try to give me guilt trips quite often and when I’ve told her how some of the things she does makes me feel she tends to try to turn it around and accuse me of making her feel bad, saying, “It’s all about you isn’t it”.  Last time she drank a bottle of wine and said it was my fault.  When I said that I didn’t make her drink it, her jaw dropped in disbelief that I would believe such a thing.


I am a bit confused on why you would be tolerating this behavior from her. Are you that desperate to be in a relationship? You should be recognizing all the red flags waving in the air. Those red flags are telling you to leave this relationship. You may want things to work out, but at what expense to you? She seems to want someone willing to be so flexible as to have ZERO backbone at all. I strongly suggest you rethink this relationship and move on.

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