Time to move on…


Question: I am a 46 year old woman. I left my country in April to be with a guy I met online a year before. I have no real family, the family I have are very distant to me and don’t really care at all, I was adopted. I divorced after 24 years of abusive marriage. This man since I got here has told me how expensive it was to get me here and how much money he has spent. He led me to believe he was doing ok financially ( not that it matters ) but since getting here, he has asked me to help him in his business, doing accounts. He is in soooooooooo much debt and constantly complains about his financial position. When he is explaining something to me workwise, he gets very short tempered and has a temper. I feel tense around him constantly. He does not stay with me, and this is a blessing, as it gives me time alone. He finds fault with every single person I knew in my country, and downs my country something terrible. The only person who I have is my one daughter, and he is now saying I am living in her pocket and need to cut the apron strings with her. She is 25 and I talk to her mainly early morning, and keep evening free to be with this guy, watching tv etc… he says it’s written all over my face, ” people take advantage of me” this hurts me, as I am a very gentle, soft person. This man tells me he is over stressed with work and feels something is wrong with him because he is so tired lately. He pays my rent, but I do his property rentals and accounts for his construction business. I am waiting for my work visa to come through, then I can work…but I feel so sad all the time as I feel I have made such a big mistake. I am not happy in this relationship and feel I am happier going through life single, alone, where no one can hurt me anymore. I am capable and clever, but don’t have any papers behind me, and this has hindered me in the past.  but I would rather struggle alone than go through what I am now. He always buys me flowers and apologizes, saying I am the best thing that has happened to him, then few hours later, he gets short tempered again. He has thrown a cup, punched the door, the wall, sworn not at me, but just in temper in front of me. He told me when we marry, will I still live in my daughters pocket, or will he get to have all my time, he is very possessive and I feel strangled by this, I need alone time and my freedom. He says he can’t wait for me to start working to help him financially as 2 incomes are better than one, and I feel trapped, I feel like I have made a mistake and I hate living. Am I being a spoilt person, by not appreciating all he is doing for me, or is he showing abusive traits? He tells me daily how much he loves me, yet continues the agro behavior. He is 10 years older than me. He is not close with his family and talks to his kids here and there, they live 2 hours away. He also constantly talks about my ex which I hate, and he is always talking about his previous woman and comparing me, when I tell him don’t compare me, he says he’s not, yet tells me if she was here, she would be helping him clean his beach house, which he is doing up. I let him go alone, as I can’t bear the thought of being with him 24/7 for a weekend.

Please help?

Thank you
 

Answer: Bev,
The only help I can give you is the advice of leaving this relationship. What you describe is pretty outrageous behavior and I am surprised you are willing to tolerate it. You need to have more respect for yourself than this. You say he says you are the best thing that has happened to him. You probably are. No one else would tolerate his foolish behavior. I suggest you end the relationship with him. I would also suggest you seek out a competent therapist to help you figure out why you pick poorly when it comes to guys.

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