Your past marks you…

Question: QUESTION: When i was 15 i became sexually active. I had many partners, but few people knew about it. i met a man in highschool and dated him for 6 years. I was only with him, no one else. After we broke up, i had 1 boyfriend for a few months and i did have a one night stand that only few people know of. Then i met my husband. When we spit up in the beginning while we were dating, i dated around some. Since we have been married i have not dated anyone or has sexual relations with anyone. The problem is my family still thinks i’m a whore and are always acusing me of cheating on my husband. They look into little things and make it huge. Then they get my husband all upset and he starts on me. I have not done anything wrong and i cant get them to stop. My best friend said that i need to show them that i’m not like that anymore. But how do i show them. I take care of my kids, i’m a stay at home mother, i support all of my husbands decisions, no matter how crazy i really think they are. I am a good person, always have been, just made a few bad choices in my younger years. I just dont know what to do. I cant get them to look at me as a good person…just always a whore. Thats not me, how do i make them see that.

ANSWER: Kristi,
I am not sure you can make them see you differently. It sounds like they were really hurt by your behavior when you were younger. Did you ever as an adult apologize to them about your inappropriate behavior? If not maybe that could be a way to put this to rest. If that doesn’t work then I suggest you minimize contact with them. If you choose not to do this your children will start seeing the disrespect and treat you poorly.

———- FOLLOW-UP ———-

QUESTION: I dont feel like i need to apologize to my mother and brother. I didnt do anything they havent done. My brother knows nothing of my past and only goes on how my mother treats me. My mother pushed me to be active. She said it was because she could no longer have fun, she was married to my father. But in her young years she had many more partners than i have. At one point i did sit down with her and tell her ya know i’m not not like that anymore and i wanted her to stop pushing me to “look around” and “experienve life” as she called it. I feel like some of this is her fault because she put it all in my head that was the way i should have been. I guess i will just need to talk to her again and talk to my brother. I dont really mind how they treat me, only that they, for no reason, get my husband all upset. I have a hard time dealing with him when i am defending myself from everyone elses lies. What should i say to them…i’m not sure how to begin i guess…

Answer: Mom….when you … causes this to happen. I know what I did was not appropriate and I regret it. I am a changed person. Comments you make cause problems and I would appreciate it if you would stop making them. Hopefully she will agree. If she doesn’t then the next step would be to limit contact.

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