You made vows…


Question: The question I have seems to be a relatively common one, but it doesn’t make the situation any easier. I am a 35yo male who has been married for 11 years to a wonderful woman from Colombia. We have traveled the globe while I obtained my education and have had a great marriage along the way. Yes, there have been a few conflicts. Nothing of any major significance. The problem is that while at work, I met someone who absolutely floored me. I have worked around many attractive, and smart women for years and have never had even a remote feeling for them beyond pure professionalism. I work in the health care field as a physician in a major metropolitan hospital’s ICU. There are friendships that are made over time.
The problem is after I rotated out of the ICU a few months ago, I thought I was missing the ICU, but it hit me a few weeks out that it wasn’t the unit, but her. We never talked beyond normal chatter or professional banter, but somehow I felt something and she did too.
Well, I asked her out for her birthday for lunch, so it wouldn’t be as bad as a dinner, but I could at least get to know her a bit and then let the feelings go away. Find a chink in the armor to speak. I didn’t. She turns out to be an amazing woman. Absolutely amazing. She was shocked that I was married and wanted to call it off, but I told her that I wanted to get to know her better. Reluctantly she agreed and we have tried to keep things in control.
I could not hide and sneak behind my wife’s back, so I told her about these intense feelings that I have for this other woman. She left that night (She told me later that she did it to shock me back.). She came back a couple of days later. We fought and cried and we were both as honest about everything as possible. She was taking it hard most days, other days she did well. Eventually we went to a counselor who recommended she to find someone else to talk to besides me. She is currently visiting her family in Colombia to let our minds think a bit, but it doesn’t seem to help.
Long story short…both of these women are super, wonderful, beautiful and smart. I feel the need to make sure that they both get everything out of life and would never want either of them to be sad, hurt, or feel alone. My wife is strong, but pursuing my education has held hers back. The other has an education, but has such a good heart, anyone that she may wind up with would take complete advantage of her. (It already happened in a past relationship.) I can’t see doing things without either of them.
I have reached the point of where I can’t enjoy/do anything with one because I feel as if I’m denying the other.
I know what logic says, I know what is considered to be the “right” decision.
I truly love both of them. Not “In love”. I don’t know what to do. Whatever choice I make will leave one absolutely devastated and myself changed forever.
I keep searching for something to help me with this. I stay completely honest and open to them. I try to find something, anything. In many regards they are much alike, so it makes it even harder.
I would not wish this upon my worst enemy.
 
Answer: Michael,
This is NOT about you. This is about a commitment you made to a woman 11 years ago. How dare you entertain a fantasy by actually trying to convince yourself that you were going to lunch with her to get rid of feelings??? There are many nice woman in the world, yet you made the vows with the one you are married to. Why would you entertain a fantasy and start a relationship with another? Logic and morality dictates you honor your vows and commitments. Feelings and self-centeredness will allow you to believe that love transcends all…..it simply doesn’t. You need to stop interacting with this woman. You are the one that needs to stop this there will be no magic cure from anywhere else. If you don’t exhibit self-control with this relationship it will just keep continuing as you meet the next “amazing” woman and then can’t live without her. Your obligation, vows, commitments are not to the fantasy woman but to your wife. Please honor those, there is enough dishonor in the world.

2 thoughts on “You made vows…

  1. I suppose I would agree if one consistently made foolish choices that led them to committments that were harmful. What you and your book are proposing tends to be a hedonistic view of life where things become all about the man and everyone else (women specifically) should get out of the way and let a man be and do whatever he pleases. If guys didn’t make stupid choices in the first place they wouldn’t be put into a place where they feel trapped etc…Maybe that is what you should be writing about. Relationships that are functional share two agreeable perspectives. When a man doesn’t have the ability to share another perspective you propose they do what they please….that is unfortunate. It is also unfortunate that you sound like another man who married a woman and has gotten bitter. So instead of figuring how to manage you jump to the extreme of encouraging men to do what they please. That in no way helps society, children, families, etc…Hopefully you get the point, but then again if you are so focused on self why should all those other things matter….right?

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