You won’t be the exception…


Question: So, I’m currently engaged and experiencing a little bit of cold feet, I think. More, I think I’m just nervous in general.
I’ve been engaged for nearly two years and the wedding is one year away. My relationship with my fiance had been long-distance until now, and I’ve been living with him for 2 months. In my opinion, everything has gone smoothly. I moved in, got comfortable, and am slowly getting used to his work schedule and got a job myself that will be starting soon. He works from 3 PM to 11:30 PM 5 or 6 days a week (no weekends off).
But being alone during the day, I have a lot of time to worry and wonder about things (and so does my fiance). I tend to brood about worries when I have nothing else to do which leads to me being a bit nervous about our future marriage.
He is a highly insecure person and is always worried about the 50% divorce rate which makes me worry as well- not to mention all the stories people are telling him about falling out of love and not staying with their first love. I have fallen in love a few times but he is the first person I ever have considered marriage with. He has had many previous relationships and the fact that this is one of my very early ones makes him worry even more. He is overweight and considers himself very ugly, while he thinks I’m very beautiful.
Because of his rough childhood, a terrible previous breakup, low self-esteem, and his slow recovery from mild depression, he cannot provide me with the reassurance that he thinks we will last until death. He believes that I will not last and will be taken away by someone more attractive than him, even though he loves me more than I’ve ever seen a person love someone.

I think I’m worried because I don’t know what it takes to make a marriage last forever. That and we do have personalities that sometimes clash. I have social anxiety disorder, which means I am very sensitive to my surroundings. He is very loud and funny, but sometimes does not realize what parts of it set me off. I feel worried when I get stressed out or bicker with him over something that relates to my anxiety (saying something too loud, doing something that appears odd..) because it isn’t a normal thing and I’m worried that I’m asking too much when I ask him to muffle his personality when we’re outside because of my disorder.

So let me sum it up in something you can actually answer…

I am wondering, is it normal for couples to bicker sometimes in the beginning, especially when both have backgrounds with insecurity and being easily stressed?
How do couples get past that scary 50% chance of failure?
During stressful periods of life is it normal for there to be less intimacy and possibly moments of doubt?
What causes people to suddenly fall out of love?
The thing I think to myself is, I know there are people who are more attractive out there, more ‘artsy’ whom share my personality, but I don’t care because I love and want to be with my fiance more than anyone better who could be out there. Because he is an amazing wonderful person whom supports everything I do. I think I’m just scared of being foolish in front of the odds, and worried that he’s right thinking that I’d fall for someone with more of an appealing ‘charm’. I believe I could never love someone else like I love him, and that I would be with him forever, but how can I know for sure or know enough to feel confident about our marriage?

(apologies for the extreme length, and hopefully this is an ok category. Thank you.)
 

Answer: Tanya,
Rather than answer all those questions let me give you some facts. The 50% divorce rate is a myth.

http://www.prepinc.com/main/Docs/what_really_div_rate.html

Living with your partner before marriage increases the risk of divorce.

http://marriageandfamilies.byu.edu/issues/2001/January/cohabitation.aspx

Finally, if you truly are going to marry this person why not do it now. You have already waited 2 years and now you are waiting another year. If you aren’t sure now that you are going to marry this guy you will never be sure.

I would strongly suggest you do pre-marital counseling. This will help you figure out any issues you may need to address now so you can prevent a future divorce.

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