You both have issues…


Question: QUESTION: Hi,

This may be a little long-winded but I will give as much information as possible. Here goes:

I am 34yo and have been with my girlfriend who is 21yo for 3 years.  We have a beautiful young daughter who is nearly 9mths old.  My partner has lived with her parents since the offset of the relationship although until she was pregnant, we were inseparable.  We split up about a fortnight ago and I’ll explain some of the reasons and the build-up to it.

When the baby was born, she decided to continue living at her parents.  We did talk about living together but she sold me the idea that she would have more support if she was to stay at home.  I reluctantly agreed to this initially seeing the logic behind the support she would receive since I work a full-time job.  But I’ve been biting my tongue ever since the baby was born.  I am not happy with the situation as things stand and in the build-up to our breakup, I couldn’t bear to be at her parents house…I’ve never truly felt comfortable there.  Her family (Mum, Dad and sister) often argue with each other and it’s not my own home. I would make excuses to leave and did so.  Much to the dismay of my partner but obviously I couldn’t tell her the reasons why without potentially upsetting her.  We’ve been gradually drifting apart, with resentment building on both sides.  Each wondering what the problem is, discussing issues yet never truly resolving them….even if a mock resolution was reached it was generally not acceptable to one party (maybe even both).  My partner went really cold with me about a fortnight ago and she sent me this message “I’d rather be a single parent than feel like one when it suits you”.  Needless to say I addressed the issue with her but got nowhere.  The next day she called an end to our relationship but I resent the fact that my needs and wants didn’t seem to matter.

I have left her house today after a discussion regarding this and got some of the answers I was seeking.  She never had any intention of us living together as I suspected.  She also mentioned that she would have broken down had she moved in with me due to a lack of support.  This really hurt me as I have to work to support us.  Today she has said that she is close to her mother when the truth of the matter is that she’s too dependant on her.  She has twisted everything I’ve said concerning the issue eg. she thinks I resent the close relationship with her mother yet I have only said that I don’t feel my daughter and I should lose out because of her dependancy on her mother.

I would appreciate any advice concerning this.  I don’t know whether I am coming or going…all I do know for sure is that my daughter comes first no matter what. It’s a no-win situation.

I don’t know how to meet on neutral ground…there is too much interference from her mother for example.  She’s been trying to change me and leaving me clinging to a hope that maybe in the future we may get back together.  

I look forward to hearing your take on this and thank you for taking the time to read the above.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Best Regards,

Nick

ANSWER: Nick,
I wouldn’t blame this all on the relationship with the mother. You must have known that an 18 year old who is willing to date a 31 year has some issues. That is not the norm and when that happens there is generally something dysfunctional going on. Not withstanding that what stability do you really offer her? She most likely has been told that you are just using her because of your age. If you were serious about her and the upbringing of your child it seems you would have made the commitment of marriage to this girl. I think that plays a factor in this as well. You just wanted to play house with her without any type of commitment. She most likely got messages that you weren’t serious about her because you just wanted to to move in and you weren’t willing to make a commitment. I would suggest you make a true commitment to her through marriage. It may be too late, but you could still try to show her that you are serious about this relationship.

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