Don’t ask Why…

Question: Its very simple anybody to ask why you are still with your boyfriend when he is abusive. but, people like me have no answers to that question. I am dating a guy for over 4 years now, physically abused, i even went to ER once when he severely hurt my shoulder. Then 3 times i got pregnant and each time i asked him to marry, he use to make excuses, and convince me by talking nicely and got me aborted saying will start freshly. constantly lie, he’ll give 10 different answer in 10 secs for same question. its not just with me but with everyone. he never answer any question straight. he hides many things from me, he always made sure no one from his side (family or friends) know about our relation. he use very abusive language, treating me like a trash. he come to my place without informing me in the name of “surprise” but actually he come to “check” on me. he suspects me all the time, he think i F around with guys when he is not at my place. he blames me for everything, if he miss the exit on a highway, if he don’t stop at red signal. he complains all the time, why didn’t U do this, why didn’t you say this. and then explains how he is trying to make me perfect, and he says he expecting very simple and basic things in me. back in 2006 i completed my current project and within 2 weeks i found another much better job. he felt so furious and Jealously he fought with me, he always wanted me to suffer without job and then beg him for money and cry in front of him. he helped me with part time job once when i was in bad time, he remind me all the time saying bcoz of him am in this position today. actually, am a s/w professional with very good earning. the religion, family background and community i came from, its sin to have sex and kids before marriage. i am not able make up my mind, why it is ok to have sex before marriage. Its really difficult for me to find a person from my community for dating or marriage. bcoz now am over 35 years of age, am more worried about my future. Is living single for life is that difficult? I think too much about morals and ethics. After all this no one tell me to leave him, because no one knows what am going thru bcoz i never discuss my personal problems with friends or family.
Answer: Ann,
I don’t usually ask why questions because even if you knew why you probably wouldn’t leave. What seems to be keeping you in this relationship is fear. For some reason you don’t mind the abuse. If you REALLY thought it was terrible you would have been gone by now. You make a team with this guy that in some unhealthy way you like. Even with all the horrible things he has done you are a partner to it. Without you it wouldn’t happen. Thus, you have become essential in this relationship. It would be hard to leave a place where you have become so important. You do need to leave, bottom-line. If you don’t it doesn’t become about him, it becomes about what is making you decide to stay. Living on your own seems preferable to this. Yes, it is scary potentially, but it seems much better than what you describe.

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