|Question:||I have been married for 4 years. Second marriage for both of us. We have a child together (2 1/2) and I have 3 girls from my first marriage. When I met my husband, he was my knight in shining armour. I had been in a marriage with an alcoholic and he “rescued” me. He also was still married at the time, although not living at the house 99% of the time. Since we got married, none of my friends are good enough-he never has a nice thing to say about any of them. My family is extremely dysfunctional according to him. My sister and I were extremely spoiled he says. I have been called an “idiot”, “stupid”, etc. so many times I can’t even count. Oh, and did I mention that he had his own asphalt paving business that I had to start (LEARN) how to do all of the paperwork. He won’t hire anyone to do it. I am also a full-time electrician that has to take care of the kids, do the housework, laundry, checkbooks, house maintenance, etc. He has also called me a cu_t, and other names on occasion. He has gotten so mad and irate with me that he screams in my face with spit hitting me. He constantly brings up his ex-wife and about how she could keep the house clean and had no problems raising their two kids and do all of the paperwork on top of it. He constantly compares me to other people that he sees as having severe problems with being spoiled or how they raise their kids. He has his good qualities. He really tries to make everyone be the best they can be, the problem is, I feel he wants everyone to be perfect. I know I’m not perfect, but feel that maybe if I just try harder or something… Every day we dread when he gets home because he gets on the girls for arguing or that they didn’t clean something up. The only one that gets any good attention is our 2 year old little boy, and I’m afraid he’s going to grow up to think that’s how you treat women. He says that he never called his ex names or hung the phone up on anyone (yes, I have had a tendancy to do that when he goes off on me) until he met me, and that basically I’ve done that to him. It’s always my fault he says. He says that if I’d DO something about it then we’d get along better, and then complains that we don’t have sex enough. How can I when all he does is yell at me and get disappointed in me? HELP! I don’t know if I really could be the cause of all of this, or if he is completely right, and that the way I was brought up screwed me up. He says he’s a “realist” and that I’m stupid for seeing the bright side of things. I’m afraid to be on my own but I’m so afraid of what his reactions to my children will cause. He says he loves them and can be absolutely wonderful, but then because they didn’t completely clean up the kitchen after dinner, they’re “idiots”. Please Help!
This is unfortunate. Part of the problem is that you were desperate to get out of one relationship you willingly went into another that was bad, but for whatever reason you overlooked the bad traits this guy had. I would doubt all the problems relate to you. It is most likely a combination of issues. I can’t help unless YOU are willing to something regardless of the potential outcome. You have a couple choices from what I see. You can keep quiet and tell your kids to just tolerate things. This teaches your daughter that men are disgusting pigs. You can stand up for yourself and continue to stay miserable. You can seek counseling, but I doubt he will go. You could leave, but then you run the risk of dating again and finding another guy who will be a bad choice. You could leave and then move back in with family and not date till your kids are up and out. The best option, in my opinion, given what you have shared is to move out and not date till your children are up and out. This is no longer about you. It is about your daughter who are being taught daily that they don’t amount to much unless they show some type of activity that is approved of by your husband. This has consequences for when they become adults and teens. If you are too afraid to leave then nothing will much will change unless your husband decides to do something differently.