Don’t do it!

Subject: Adultery
Question: Im married my wife and I have been married for 3 yrs but we’ve been together for almost 15 yrs.  We have children together.  the youngest is a baby the oldest is 11.  I’ve known for a long time that I am not happy in my relationship and would love to end it but I have a strong desire for my children to grow up with both their parents.  Half the time I cant stand my wife.  I have felt like this for years but I have never cheated on my wife.  I recently reconnected with an ex girlfriend and we’ve flirted a lot on the phone and in emails and we just met for lunch an hour ago.  Id love to pursue her for a serious relationship but Im stuck in this rut.  I beleive that this ex of mine who is aware that I am married would be willingt o fool around and possibly it could lead to more.  I get the sense that this ex and I could have a strong emotional connection too.  I guess Im just wondering where to go from here.  I don;t imagine theres any easy answers but Id love to hear an outsiders perspective.
Answer: Ryan,
Of course you connect with her. Don’t make the mistake that just because she is an ex you are able to connect with her. Put in another female and you probably would connect with her as well. Since you have been choosing to hold back on intimacy with your wife it is of course going to feel great when you don’t hold back intimacy with someone else. So don’t let those FEELINGS fool you. If we all operated on feelings this would be a crazy world. I don’t think this lack of intimacy has been something that all of sudden came up right? Yet, you still decided to have children with this woman and make the commitment of marriage to her. I would suggest you honor that commitment and stop fooling around. Now is not that time to be putting yourself first. You have children that need a dad and his energies. They don’t need to go through a divorce or all the sad things that come with an affair. STOP all contact with this ex and start working on your relationship. This will means you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and it will mean that you sacrifice yourself. Please do this, not only for your kids, but also for your self-worth.

2 thoughts on “Don’t do it!

  1. Ryan’s answer is correct. I’ve nearly ruined my marriage by having an affair. I began to resent the way my life had changed, and the way my wife had changed once we were married. I began to resent the changes and the person who I thought forced them on me. My feelings were real, however, I never expressed them to my wife, and I never gave her a chance to change things or to help me understand her point of view.

    I suggest that before you consider any extramarital relationship, that you suggest counseling to your wife. You should especially try to reconnect with her emotionally. You have both probably stopped communicating, and a good counselor can help you with that. Also, there has to be something that attracted you to your wife. Try to find it again. If things are truly irreconcileable, then be a man and tell your wife before you destroy her by cheating.

    I’ve been down this road, and cheating is the cruelest thing you can do.

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