Creative Solutions

Robbing the cradle…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:59:19 +0000

	QUESTION: Hello Mr. Simonsen, My boyfriend (44 yrs old) and I (24 yrs old) have been dating off and on for almost 2 years. After only 5 days of reconciliation, we called it quits……again. We met under unfortunate circumstances…..he was married. When his divorce from her was final, that’s when things went downhill. He lost the section 8 house, which caused him living off people (including me off and on) for 9 months until he got his own place. As our relationship progressed post divorce, so did the problems. He blamed me for a lot of negative that happened in his life, he would tell me who he didn’t want me talking to, he talked about me to others in a negative light, he would accuse me of not trying hard enough in our relationship, he didn’t care to sit and have a civil conversation with me when we had a problem. Even when we were arguing, he didn’t care to listen by interrupting me or denying my feelings for him. Also, every time we broke up, he felt the need to find other women to try and start something with or ask his ex back. Once, back in July , I found a text message to his ex saying some of the same things he would to me when he wants to get back together. I confronted him about it and he claims he did it because she was feeling down in the dumps and he didn’t want her attitude to affect their kids, so he wanted to try and make “her feel better”. He said it meant nothing. Of course I don’t believe it. He claims he got over her and how his life was with her in November . He would compare me to people telling me what they had that I was lacking or what they did better. The biggest hurt for me was when I lost my grandma October . We were apart at the time. I text him telling him she just passed away and please be easy on me (2 nights before, I had asked for my keys back but he told me to fuck off). I was basically trying to tell him to be nice to me. I get nothing from him; my keys, no text, no phone call, no NOTHING!!!! Three days later, I literally begged him to talk to me so I can at least get some closure on our relationship. He asks me why and basically tells me there is no point because I didn’t want him anymore. I then said “it would be really important to me, so I’ll call you Sunday to talk.” I called him once, and he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail that took me an hour to record (only allows 5 min to record), and 2 text messages, but no answer from either attempt. He comes up to me 5 days later apologizing about my grandma. This whole situation hurt me SO bad because this person who says he loves me, claims he would do anything for me, or says how all I need to do is call if I need him won’t respond when I do reach out. When his ex says she’s down and out over stupid shit, he automatically “tries to make her feel better” or says nice things to her. We just broke it off again last night because I thought of my grandma and everything I went through with him during my time of need. I expressed how I felt and it turned into a fight. He said I need to let the past go so we can move on, but we never resolved the past. He said I haven’t given him a chance to show that it’s different. He didn’t want to break up, and I told him I can’t continue this. He told me that I was a joke, that I was stupid, a moron, idiot, etc and I won’t find a good man like him who will love me like he does. I’m a Christian, but he doesn’t believe in Christ. He said “pray hard but it still won’t happen. God is as big of a joke as you are. But I loved you” His actions cause me to be an angry, physically and verbally abusive person…at least towards him. After a long time of this behavior, I finally realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I found a website that, i guess you can say, said what I wanted to hear: instead of leaving the relationship, because it’s cowardly, you need to stay and try to work through it. But how? Since my boyfriend doesn’t care what I have to say, he ALWAYS refused counseling (at least until he got his own place), or danced around the subject with empty promises. How can I continue if I’ve been so hurt? How can I look past the pain and all the dark moments in my life when I was with him? Should I sweep my past issues with him under the rug in order to move on? ANY comments, questions, etc would be GREATLY appreciated. Sorry its lengthy. Thank you
	ANSWER: Your question specifically points out why relationships with a huge age gap in them don’t tend to work well. He wants someone who will do what he asks when he asks and at some point you complied with that. It was when you needed someone to be there emotionally that you found out that he really isn’t interested in your emotions. He is more interested in getting you in bed. I suggest that if you are a Christian that you find someone of your own age who has the same beliefs as you. You are just starting out in life and this guy should be much more stable. I think he is simply looking for a lady to hang out with not commit to. I also suggest you seek out some wise counsel so you can get a better idea of what a good relationship looks like for you. DON’T get back together with this guy it will only continue to be abusive and hurtful, which is something you don’t need. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

Hello Mr. Simonsen,

My boyfriend (44 yrs old) and I (24 yrs old) have been dating off and on for almost 2 years. After only 5 days of reconciliation, we called it quits……again.

We met under unfortunate circumstances…..he was married. When his divorce from her was final, that’s when things went downhill. He lost the section 8 house, which caused him living off people (including me off and on) for 9 months until he got his own place.

As our relationship progressed post divorce, so did the problems. He blamed me for a lot of negative that happened in his life, he would tell me who he didn’t want me talking to, he talked about me to others in a negative light, he would accuse me of not trying hard enough in our relationship, he didn’t care to sit and have a civil conversation with me when we had a problem. Even when we were arguing, he didn’t care to listen by interrupting me or denying my feelings for him. Also, every time we broke up, he felt the need to find other women to try and start something with or ask his ex back. Once, back in July , I found a text message to his ex saying some of the same things he would to me when he wants to get back together. I confronted him about it and he claims he did it because she was feeling down in the dumps and he didn’t want her attitude to affect their kids, so he wanted to try and make “her feel better”. He said it meant nothing. Of course I don’t believe it. He claims he got over her and how his life was with her in November . He would compare me to people telling me what they had that I was lacking or what they did better. The biggest hurt for me was when I lost my grandma October . We were apart at the time. I text him telling him she just passed away and please be easy on me (2 nights before, I had asked for my keys back but he told me to fuck off). I was basically trying to tell him to be nice to me. I get nothing from him; my keys, no text, no phone call, no NOTHING!!!! Three days later, I literally begged him to talk to me so I can at least get some closure on our relationship. He asks me why and basically tells me there is no point because I didn’t want him anymore. I then said “it would be really important to me, so I’ll call you Sunday to talk.” I called him once, and he didn’t answer. I left a voicemail that took me an hour to record (only allows 5 min to record), and 2 text messages, but no answer from either attempt. He comes up to me 5 days later apologizing about my grandma. This whole situation hurt me SO bad because this person who says he loves me, claims he would do anything for me, or says how all I need to do is call if I need him won’t respond when I do reach out. When his ex says she’s down and out over stupid shit, he automatically “tries to make her feel better” or says nice things to her.

We just broke it off again last night because I thought of my grandma and everything I went through with him during my time of need. I expressed how I felt and it turned into a fight. He said I need to let the past go so we can move on, but we never resolved the past. He said I haven’t given him a chance to show that it’s different. He didn’t want to break up, and I told him I can’t continue this. He told me that I was a joke, that I was stupid, a moron, idiot, etc and I won’t find a good man like him who will love me like he does. I’m a Christian, but he doesn’t believe in Christ. He said “pray hard but it still won’t happen. God is as big of a joke as you are. But I loved you”

His actions cause me to be an angry, physically and verbally abusive person…at least towards him. After a long time of this behavior, I finally realized I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I found a website that, i guess you can say, said what I wanted to hear: instead of leaving the relationship, because it’s cowardly, you need to stay and try to work through it. But how? Since my boyfriend doesn’t care what I have to say, he ALWAYS refused counseling (at least until he got his own place), or danced around the subject with empty promises. How can I continue if I’ve been so hurt? How can I look past the pain and all the dark moments in my life when I was with him? Should I sweep my past issues with him under the rug in order to move on? ANY comments, questions, etc would be GREATLY appreciated. Sorry its lengthy.

Thank you

ANSWER:

Your question specifically points out why relationships with a huge age gap in them don’t tend to work well. He wants someone who will do what he asks when he asks and at some point you complied with that. It was when you needed someone to be there emotionally that you found out that he really isn’t interested in your emotions. He is more interested in getting you in bed. I suggest that if you are a Christian that you find someone of your own age who has the same beliefs as you. You are just starting out in life and this guy should be much more stable. I think he is simply looking for a lady to hang out with not commit to. I also suggest you seek out some wise counsel so you can get a better idea of what a good relationship looks like for you. DON’T get back together with this guy it will only continue to be abusive and hurtful, which is something you don’t need.
David
www.help4life.net

Angry angry birds…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:56:35 +0000

	QUESTION: I have been married for 7 years. My Brother-in-law moved in with us and my husband and I have been living with him for 7 months now. My son (his nephew, obviously) is 7 years old (that a lot of 7′s I know!) My brother-in-law lets my son use all of his stuff, including his smartphone. On one occassion I asked to play Angry Birds on his phone. As a joke I changed his phone’s background to a girly pink background, and sent my husband a funny text from his phone (something about my farts stinking). Nobody realized the fart text was a joke so the joke kinda bombed Anyway my brother-in-law put a password lock on his phone. Only my son and my husband know it. I asked my son, “Go ask Uncle John why I’m not allowed to know his phone password” and he told my son to tell me he doesn’t want me to know it. I’m feeling really hurt right now and kinda angry. I mean, he’s basically my BROTHER (in-law). His actions basically say he doesn’t trust me. I’m a very trustworthy person so I am very hurt! I also realize I may be a bit immature because I feel like telling him he can’t use my computer table, or my kitchen stuff, or my iron, etc. It especially hurts because in his family they share EVERYTHING. Just last weekend he drove his own truck down to give it to his parents because they need a car.
	ANSWER: I suggest that you have a rational non emotion filled conversation with him. Start it with apologizing for the phone issue even if you don’t think you should. He may get his feelings hurt easily and you didn’t realize it before. If you are unable to humble yourself then plan on having a hurt relationship. I think the best thing to do is go to him with hat in hand recognizing that you may have overstepped boundaries and your intention was to not offend at all. Hopefully he will accept the apology and you all can move on. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

I have been married for 7 years. My Brother-in-law moved in with us and my husband and I have been living with him for 7 months now. My son (his nephew, obviously) is 7 years old (that a lot of 7′s I know!)

My brother-in-law lets my son use all of his stuff, including his smartphone. On one occassion I asked to play Angry Birds on his phone. As a joke I changed his phone’s background to a girly pink background, and sent my husband a funny text from his phone (something about my farts stinking). Nobody realized the fart text was a joke so the joke kinda bombed

Anyway my brother-in-law put a password lock on his phone. Only my son and my husband know it. I asked my son, “Go ask Uncle John why I’m not allowed to know his phone password” and he told my son to tell me he doesn’t want me to know it.

I’m feeling really hurt right now and kinda angry. I mean, he’s basically my BROTHER (in-law). His actions basically say he doesn’t trust me. I’m a very trustworthy person so I am very hurt! I also realize I may be a bit immature because I feel like telling him he can’t use my computer table, or my kitchen stuff, or my iron, etc.

It especially hurts because in his family they share EVERYTHING. Just last weekend he drove his own truck down to give it to his parents because they need a car.

ANSWER:

I suggest that you have a rational non emotion filled conversation with him. Start it with apologizing for the phone issue even if you don’t think you should. He may get his feelings hurt easily and you didn’t realize it before. If you are unable to humble yourself then plan on having a hurt relationship. I think the best thing to do is go to him with hat in hand recognizing that you may have overstepped boundaries and your intention was to not offend at all. Hopefully he will accept the apology and you all can move on.
David

www.help4life.net

Don’t talk to strangers…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 20:52:06 +0000

	QUESTION: I have been married to my husband for 18yrs. and we have 3 girls,I married him when I was 17yrs.old. We have been thru a lot in our marriage, but something is not right. I don’t know if he really loves me or just married me so he wouldn’t go to jail, at the time I was 17yrs. old. He says he loves me, but I don’t think I love him anymore. I do love him as friend and father of my kids. I don’t know what to do anymore or how i feel. I have had these feelings for a long time now, before I started talking to other people in chat rooms. Can you help me.
	ANSWER: I think that you and he need to seek out a therapist that can help you sort out your feelings. Chatting with people who don’t know the big picture of what is going on is not helpful to you. They are simply rooting for your rather than rooting for your marriage. Until you truly give the relationship a shot I think you shouldn’t leave or anything similar to that. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

I have been married to my husband for 18yrs. and we have 3 girls,I married him when I was 17yrs.old. We have been thru a lot in our marriage, but something is not right. I don’t know if he really loves me or just married me so he wouldn’t go to jail, at the time I was 17yrs. old. He says he loves me, but I don’t think I love him anymore. I do love him as friend and father of my kids. I don’t know what to do anymore or how i feel. I have had these feelings for a long time now, before I started talking to other people in chat rooms. Can you help me.

ANSWER:

I think that you and he need to seek out a therapist that can help you sort out your feelings. Chatting with people who don’t know the big picture of what is going on is not helpful to you. They are simply rooting for your rather than rooting for your marriage. Until you truly give the relationship a shot I think you shouldn’t leave or anything similar to that.
David
www.help4life.net

Monster-in-laws…

Creative Solutions — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 19:02:02 +0000

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Are you struggling to maintain a relationship with an out-of-control in-law?

Is a cultural or background divide challenging your relationship?

Does the statement, “When mom/dad says no, ask grandma/grandpa” ring true in your family?

Does your mother or father-in-law still baby your husband/wife, challenge your parenting style or openly disrespect you?

If you’re desperate to repair your relationship with an in-law before it’s too late, we want to hear from you! Families who appear on the show will have the opportunity to work with a professional relationship expert who will help them to identify their issues and repair their relationships. Families who appear on the show will receive a generous financial honorarium as a “thank you” for their time and commitment to the show. There is also a finder’s fee for anyone who nominates a family who makes the show.

To apply, please contact me at mftsolutions@comcast.net and I will forward your info to the production company.

What do you really want…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:52:01 +0000

	QUESTION: Hi David. I just need some advice on my boyfriend. I am not sure if I love him or not. Yesterday I was talking to this guy who I know is interested in me on facebook chat. We talked for ages. It was very flirty and I was enjoying it. When I got off I couldnt get to sleep because I felt very guilty. I wondered to myself why I had done this, I’m usually a very loyal person. Also, for some reason I cant bring myself to say I have a boyfriend sometimes, probably because that would mean that no guy would want to talk to me anymore. I dont know why I am like this. I care a lot for my boyfriend (he is a very good person) and do miss him when he isnt around. Do you think this is normal? Do people in love behave/feel like this?
	ANSWER: You don’t love this guy. You said it yourself he is a good person and you miss him when he isn’t around. This tends to make it about you right? I suggest you break things off with him and really determine what you want in a relationship. If you don’t you will continue to go behind peoples back and ultimately hurt them because you are unable to be honest in a relationship. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

Hi David. I just need some advice on my boyfriend. I am not sure if I love him or not. Yesterday I was talking to this guy who I know is interested in me on facebook chat. We talked for ages. It was very flirty and I was enjoying it. When I got off I couldnt get to sleep because I felt very guilty. I wondered to myself why I had done this, I’m usually a very loyal person. Also, for some reason I cant bring myself to say I have a boyfriend sometimes, probably because that would mean that no guy would want to talk to me anymore. I dont know why I am like this. I care a lot for my boyfriend (he is a very good person) and do miss him when he isnt around. Do you think this is normal? Do people in love behave/feel like this?

ANSWER:

You don’t love this guy. You said it yourself he is a good person and you miss him when he isn’t around. This tends to make it about you right? I suggest you break things off with him and really determine what you want in a relationship. If you don’t you will continue to go behind peoples back and ultimately hurt them because you are unable to be honest in a relationship.
David
www.help4life.net

Learn from your mistakes…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:49:07 +0000

	QUESTION: Hi, My problem is big. I love my boyfriend. We actually met online a little over 2 years ago. We decided to meet after chatting for around 2-3 weeks. We saw each other 2 weeks in a row and after we had sex, he told me he was not sure on chat. So I said its OK. After an hour, he was at my door telling me he wants to be in a serious relationship with me and he spurted out “I love you” which he later confessed to have not meant. We started a relationship and saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. After a while it was time to meet the girlfriends. I approached them nicely and they tried to approach me superiorly, not bothering to get to know me as the girlfriend of their friend, and even showing discomfort from my presence. Before this happened however, right after we had sex, my boyfriend had told me he had started liking one of them. I expressed my discomfort to him and he told me I am jealous for no reason. One day when his facebook was open, I read his messages. He was telling one of these girls to be careful because his girlfriend is jealous and that she should come and save him, smoke some pot etc. After I saw this message, having denied many times of not having spoken bad about me to any of his friends, he didnt get the chance to get angry at me for invading his privacy. It was wrong but I needed to know. He apologized. I accepted. Then these girls started getting too much interfering, and their distance to me made me thing there should be a reason as to why they would not like someone they dont know: Jealousy..I told him if he wants to stay with me, he gives them up. After many many talks and discussions, and several times of break-up attempts, he gave them up. After that, I was not happy about his marijuana smoking (we live in amsterdam, netherlands). I made him make a choice between me and marijuana also. I just think substance users are weak and my boyfriend can not be weak. So he gave that up too but he said he also wanted to give it up. We moved in together. Our arguments started getting louder and our tolerance lessened. He tells me he loves me and he is very happy with me, but whenever i tell him something like ” i just cleaned please be careful not to mess the kitchen (he likes cooking) or please pee sitting” he treats me like i make life difficult..maybe i am indeed a little bit uptight. but i want him to respect the fact that if i clean and wash clothes he has to be a little bit careful about keeping things clean. We are abusive to each other everytime we argue we say bad things. Usually its me who apologizes…I can not dare to break up with him. But the truth is no matter how much love there is, due to many small lies of him that i caught, the immaturity of his friends (taking pictures of girls wearing tangas in parties they go and then sending my boyfriend these pictures is one example) , and the way he treats me tells me I should put an end to this relationship because there is certainly something missing. I have a fault in this for sure. WHen I have to do something he interferes with my concentration always. When he wants to do something alone he rages at me and shouts “can i stay alone one time that i want to” when i talk to him….i think he sees things from a narrow window…doesnt realize we equally deserve respect. I certainly dont think he respects the effort i put into keeping things in order in our life, and at the same time trying to keep him happy….shouldnt he be respecting that and show my some understanding? May be its a big communication gap that may even get bigger…but our discussions are never without shouting at each other…and i dont know whether its something that can be fixed or not…in our last argument, he pushed me and i pushed him…i dont think its going in the right direction….help me
	ANSWER: J, There are times in life when we make bad choices and this was one of several. It started off harmless, but then you slept with him…then moved in with him…then controlled him in order to change him…then say you love him…You have made a series of bad choices and while you feel stuck and “in love” this is not love. It has turned into fear and probably obligation. I strongly suggest you get out and learn your lesson. He doesn’t want to be in the relationship most likely, but doesn’t know how to get out of it with out hurting you too badly. Do yourself a favor and get out before you waste any more time hurting one another. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

Hi,

My problem is big. I love my boyfriend. We actually met online a little over 2 years ago. We decided to meet after chatting for around 2-3 weeks. We saw each other 2 weeks in a row and after we had sex, he told me he was not sure on chat. So I said its OK. After an hour, he was at my door telling me he wants to be in a serious relationship with me and he spurted out “I love you” which he later confessed to have not meant. We started a relationship and saw each other 2 or 3 times a week. After a while it was time to meet the girlfriends. I approached them nicely and they tried to approach me superiorly, not bothering to get to know me as the girlfriend of their friend, and even showing discomfort from my presence. Before this happened however, right after we had sex, my boyfriend had told me he had started liking one of them. I expressed my discomfort to him and he told me I am jealous for no reason. One day when his facebook was open, I read his messages. He was telling one of these girls to be careful because his girlfriend is jealous and that she should come and save him, smoke some pot etc. After I saw this message, having denied many times of not having spoken bad about me to any of his friends, he didnt get the chance to get angry at me for invading his privacy. It was wrong but I needed to know. He apologized. I accepted. Then these girls started getting too much interfering, and their distance to me made me thing there should be a reason as to why they would not like someone they dont know: Jealousy..I told him if he wants to stay with me, he gives them up. After many many talks and discussions, and several times of break-up attempts, he gave them up. After that, I was not happy about his marijuana smoking (we live in amsterdam, netherlands). I made him make a choice between me and marijuana also. I just think substance users are weak and my boyfriend can not be weak. So he gave that up too but he said he also wanted to give it up. We moved in together. Our arguments started getting louder and our tolerance lessened. He tells me he loves me and he is very happy with me, but whenever i tell him something like ” i just cleaned please be careful not to mess the kitchen (he likes cooking) or please pee sitting” he treats me like i make life difficult..maybe i am indeed a little bit uptight. but i want him to respect the fact that if i clean and wash clothes he has to be a little bit careful about keeping things clean. We are abusive to each other everytime we argue we say bad things. Usually its me who apologizes…I can not dare to break up with him. But the truth is no matter how much love there is, due to many small lies of him that i caught, the immaturity of his friends (taking pictures of girls wearing tangas in parties they go and then sending my boyfriend these pictures is one example) , and the way he treats me tells me I should put an end to this relationship because there is certainly something missing. I have a fault in this for sure. WHen I have to do something he interferes with my concentration always. When he wants to do something alone he rages at me and shouts “can i stay alone one time that i want to” when i talk to him….i think he sees things from a narrow window…doesnt realize we equally deserve respect. I certainly dont think he respects the effort i put into keeping things in order in our life, and at the same time trying to keep him happy….shouldnt he be respecting that and show my some understanding? May be its a big communication gap that may even get bigger…but our discussions are never without shouting at each other…and i dont know whether its something that can be fixed or not…in our last argument, he pushed me and i pushed him…i dont think its going in the right direction….help me

ANSWER:

J,
There are times in life when we make bad choices and this was one of several. It started off harmless, but then you slept with him…then moved in with him…then controlled him in order to change him…then say you love him…You have made a series of bad choices and while you feel stuck and “in love” this is not love. It has turned into fear and probably obligation. I strongly suggest you get out and learn your lesson. He doesn’t want to be in the relationship most likely, but doesn’t know how to get out of it with out hurting you too badly. Do yourself a favor and get out before you waste any more time hurting one another.
David
www.help4life.net

Go to work…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:45:58 +0000

	QUESTION: I’m 29 years old and I work at a dental office as a dental assistant. There are 4 dentists and 4 assistants and about 10 office staff. Once in a while an outside oral surgeon named Dr. * comes in with his own assistants if there’s a need. The dentists are all 40 and the assistants are all 29-30. I have been hearing about Dr. * for months. Every single person in that office has told me what an arrogant asshole he is, what a stuck up and conceited jackass he is, how he tells everyone what to do, and how everything has to be his way or the highway, and how much they hate the prick and can’t stand him, wish he would go somewhere else. Wow. This is a really nice, friendly workplace, and they’re all a nice bunch of really easygoing, normal, friendly people who are not backstabbing or vicious. They wouldn’t make stuff up. They have also all been working here for 8+ years, in fact I am the only new person. So since they said such strong things about someone, especially a professional respected person such as an oral surgeon, it was a little surprising but they wouldn’t do it just to be mean. I asked why he was such a jerk, and they said because he’s the most experienced out of all the dentists there, so he thinks he knows the best, and everyone’s else ideas are stupid, and that he treats us dental assistants like crap because we are beneath him, etc. but that I wouldn’t be meeting him for a while, because he was out of town for the next few months. I kept my mouth shut and worked hard, and got along well with everyone in the practice and made friends with them. One day, a young, very handsome, fit, athletic man walked in and started talking to me. He had a very pleasant face and attitude. We started chatting for some time and he was very nice. Then to my surprise he introduced himself as Dr. *. He had to come in for an emergency. Also, to my surprise, he was only a year or two older than me. He’s 31 and I’m turning 30 soon. Hmm. The next few days he was in the office working, and all the office workers were grumbling that they had to put up with him. The reason is because him and his techs take up all the offices with their specialized equipment and they are very demanding because they are on a tight schedule, such as instruments have to be sterilized a certain specific way at specific times, unlike the regular dentists we work for. This was interfering with the regular operations and everyone was getting annoyed. During those days he was talking to me a lot for long, extended periods of time. I am not denying that I was very attracted to him. We were talking and I told him that I used to work for a pharmaceutical company as a chemist, and years ago, I was a few months away from getting my Ph.D. degree in chemistry, but my parents were very sick and bedridden and I had to quit and take care of them. I also told him that I had been bullied very hard in school as a child and had been bullied in other workplaces and had not really gotten over it. He seemed very sympathetic. It struck a chord in him and he seemed very annoyed that I as a worker had been bullied in a workplace environment before and that management hadn’t stepped in. He kept on saying that if I was ever offered any more higher paying chemistry jobs, to immediately take it because while this was an ok job, I was overqualified for it (true but I don’t mind working here) Everyone in the office noticed that we talk, but since I’m the new girl, they initially probably didn’t think too much into it, that he was just introducing himself to me. But lately I’m sure they’ve noticed. Well we’re not doing anything distracting, I am still working and sterilizing the instruments while he’s talking to me. So they are not getting mad at me. But they find it odd that he is so friendly to me, because he normally ignores everyone. Then again, I’m the new girl, so he might just be getting to know me. Today him and his tech (30 years old) and I were standing talking, and we were talking about that while the healthcare field is hard, becoming a famous musician is even harder, such as a rock star or a rapper. The men were laughing about how we all wished we were rock stars and how we wanted to be on the radio. I said I listened to death metal. Dr. * immediately said “THAT’S KINKY!!!” I got quiet, and didn’t say anything, we all went back to work because it was really busy. Ok. So do you think Dr. * likes me back? Or do you think he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, when he said ‘that’s kinky’ he just meant it as in ‘you’re a cool girl’? Meaning he thinks I am cool because I listen to unusual extreme music that most women (and people in general) don’t listen to? ANSWER:**
	I don’t know what he meant by that. I do know that you are running the risk of losing your job if you continue to fraternize with someone that is disliked by all your co-workers. You go to work to work not to chit chat about things and flirt etc…Do you even know if he is married, has kids, divorced? I seriously think you should focus on work when you are at work. Otherwise your co-workers will start rumors about you and you will find that this pleasant place to work has become hostile. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:
I’m 29 years old and I work at a dental office as a dental assistant. There are 4 dentists and 4 assistants and about 10 office staff. Once in a while an outside oral surgeon named Dr. *** comes in with his own assistants if there’s a need. The dentists are all 40 and the assistants are all 29-30.

I have been hearing about Dr. *** for months. Every single person in that office has told me what an arrogant asshole he is, what a stuck up and conceited jackass he is, how he tells everyone what to do, and how everything has to be his way or the highway, and how much they hate the prick and can’t stand him, wish he would go somewhere else. Wow.

This is a really nice, friendly workplace, and they’re all a nice bunch of really easygoing, normal, friendly people who are not backstabbing or vicious. They wouldn’t make stuff up. They have also all been working here for 8+ years, in fact I am the only new person. So since they said such strong things about someone, especially a professional respected person such as an oral surgeon, it was a little surprising but they wouldn’t do it just to be mean.

I asked why he was such a jerk, and they said because he’s the most experienced out of all the dentists there, so he thinks he knows the best, and everyone’s else ideas are stupid, and that he treats us dental assistants like crap because we are beneath him, etc. but that I wouldn’t be meeting him for a while, because he was out of town for the next few months.

I kept my mouth shut and worked hard, and got along well with everyone in the practice and made friends with them.

One day, a young, very handsome, fit, athletic man walked in and started talking to me. He had a very pleasant face and attitude. We started chatting for some time and he was very nice. Then to my surprise he introduced himself as Dr. ***. He had to come in for an emergency. Also, to my surprise, he was only a year or two older than me. He’s 31 and I’m turning 30 soon. Hmm.

The next few days he was in the office working, and all the office workers were grumbling that they had to put up with him. The reason is because him and his techs take up all the offices with their specialized equipment and they are very demanding because they are on a tight schedule, such as instruments have to be sterilized a certain specific way at specific times, unlike the regular dentists we work for. This was interfering with the regular operations and everyone was getting annoyed.

During those days he was talking to me a lot for long, extended periods of time. I am not denying that I was very attracted to him. We were talking and I told him that I used to work for a pharmaceutical company as a chemist, and years ago, I was a few months away from getting my Ph.D. degree in chemistry, but my parents were very sick and bedridden and I had to quit and take care of them. I also told him that I had been bullied very hard in school as a child and had been bullied in other workplaces and had not really gotten over it. He seemed very sympathetic. It struck a chord in him and he seemed very annoyed that I as a worker had been bullied in a workplace environment before and that management hadn’t stepped in. He kept on saying that if I was ever offered any more higher paying chemistry jobs, to immediately take it because while this was an ok job, I was overqualified for it (true but I don’t mind working here)

Everyone in the office noticed that we talk, but since I’m the new girl, they initially probably didn’t think too much into it, that he was just introducing himself to me. But lately I’m sure they’ve noticed. Well we’re not doing anything distracting, I am still working and sterilizing the instruments while he’s talking to me. So they are not getting mad at me. But they find it odd that he is so friendly to me, because he normally ignores everyone. Then again, I’m the new girl, so he might just be getting to know me.

Today him and his tech (30 years old) and I were standing talking, and we were talking about that while the healthcare field is hard, becoming a famous musician is even harder, such as a rock star or a rapper. The men were laughing about how we all wished we were rock stars and how we wanted to be on the radio.
I said I listened to death metal.

Dr. *** immediately said “THAT’S KINKY!!!”

I got quiet, and didn’t say anything, we all went back to work because it was really busy.

Ok. So do you think Dr. *** likes me back?

Or do you think he didn’t mean it in a sexual way, when he said ‘that’s kinky’ he just meant it as in ‘you’re a cool girl’?

Meaning he thinks I am cool because I listen to unusual extreme music that most women (and people in general) don’t listen to?

ANSWER:

I don’t know what he meant by that. I do know that you are running the risk of losing your job if you continue to fraternize with someone that is disliked by all your co-workers. You go to work to work not to chit chat about things and flirt etc…Do you even know if he is married, has kids, divorced? I seriously think you should focus on work when you are at work. Otherwise your co-workers will start rumors about you and you will find that this pleasant place to work has become hostile.
David
www.help4life.net

He’s a big boy…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 20:40:30 +0000

	QUESTION: My 18 year old son has just walked out the door because he said “he can’t live in my house with my rules.” He is 31/2 months away from graduating from high school. He has no money, no car, no phone and no job. His father and I divorced 4 years ago. Last year his dad moved to California and rarely speaks with him. He just recently got suspended from school for 45 days because beer was found in the trunk of his car during a search of his car in the school parking lot. His suspension was reduced to 10 days pending following the recommendation of a designated counseling center for troubled teens. The center recommended group counseling twice a week for 3 months. He has completed one month so far. He moved out after he went out last night and was to be home at 12:30am. He did not come home and choose to stay at a friends’s house without telling me or calling. I called him this morning and told him he was grounded because he broke my house rule. He lied and didn’t follow the rules. At this point he said he couldn’t live here any more and left. I have no idea where he is or how he is. What can I do?
	ANSWER: While this is distressing to you it seems that he is acting like he has been somewhat spoiled. I know this was a while ago, but If it continues I would encourage you to accept that he wants to be an adult and help him become one. This would mean stop paying for things, make him responsible for things, because really…does he have it so bad?? If you react by making things easy for him you fall into the trap that he is setting for you. If he lives in your home he needs to be respectful in it. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

My 18 year old son has just walked out the door because he said “he can’t live in my house with my rules.” He is 31/2 months away from graduating from high school. He has no money, no car, no phone and no job. His father and I divorced 4 years ago. Last year his dad moved to California and rarely speaks with him. He just recently got suspended from school for 45 days because beer was found in the trunk of his car during a search of his car in the school parking lot. His suspension was reduced to 10 days pending following the recommendation of a designated counseling center for troubled teens. The center recommended group counseling twice a week for 3 months. He has completed one month so far. He moved out after he went out last night and was to be home at 12:30am. He did not come home and choose to stay at a friends’s house without telling me or calling. I called him this morning and told him he was grounded because he broke my house rule. He lied and didn’t follow the rules. At this point he said he couldn’t live here any more and left. I have no idea where he is or how he is. What can I do?

ANSWER:

While this is distressing to you it seems that he is acting like he has been somewhat spoiled. I know this was a while ago, but If it continues I would encourage you to accept that he wants to be an adult and help him become one. This would mean stop paying for things, make him responsible for things, because really…does he have it so bad?? If you react by making things easy for him you fall into the trap that he is setting for you. If he lives in your home he needs to be respectful in it.
David
www.help4life.net

Stop caving in…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:30:10 +0000

	QUESTION: Hi David, I am a mum of a 16 year old who is in a 11 month old relationship with a 17 year old boy who will turn 18 soon. His parents separated soon after they started dating and he has clung to our daughter for support. They are besotted with each other and have had a pretty free relationship over the summer holidays. They now expect to spend the same amount of time with each other, even thought he is in his final year at school and our daughter in her second last year. His sister recently moved in with her father and now he is just living with his mother. He isn’t a very motivated person and is ‘counting down’ until he leaves school. His mother doesn’t expect he will try very hard in his final year and he pretty much does what he wants, as his mother doesn’t want to upset him in case he goes to his father. His mother also suffers from depression since her breakup and the son won’t listen to his father as he “tells him what to do”. I am trying to get some balance in my daughter’s life between her, her boyfriend, us, her friends, sport, study etc etc – but all she sees is him! I have told her that she must spend two nights at home just with us as a family, but she just asks why? She says nobody speaks to her which is untrue, but we also have stuff we have to do sometimes. Do I just lay down the law and answer ‘because’ when she asks why? Should I do anything differently? I feel we never see her much, as she tries to be with him whenever he isn’t at school or doing a part time job. I want her to understand that she is still part of our family and she should still spend time with us doing whatever, hanging out, tv, study etc. I just so scared of losing her that I just cave in a lot to make her happy. Do i need to be more of a parent? Please give me some guideance…….. sincerely
	ANSWER: Stop caving in. You appear weak and she loses respect for you. Yes, she may not like it, but your alternative is to appear weak and then lose respect for yourself because you know you are not doing the right thing. I think a good conversation to have is with the boys mother. If both of you can coordinate things where she doesn’t allow them to hang and you don’t allow them to hang then they simply can’t hang with one another. I do think she needs to spend more “home time” even if people aren’t doing anything. When you let her go out as much as she pleases it feeds into the selfishness that she already has as a teen. When she complains about being home and no one talk to her, she is showing you really how selfish she is. Everything becomes about her. There is some normalcy to this, but I would encourage you to not feed into it. It could be beneficial to incorporate some type of weekly family night so that you guys reconnect with one another. She will be gone soon and you may regret that you didn’t spend more time together as a family. Plus, once a month on one of these family night invite the boyfriend to join in. He needs to be able to connect in a healthy way with other families. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

Hi David,
I am a mum of a 16 year old who is in a 11 month old relationship with a 17 year old boy who will turn 18 soon. His parents separated soon after they started dating and he has clung to our daughter for support. They are besotted with each other and have had a pretty free relationship over the summer holidays. They now expect to spend the same amount of time with each other, even thought he is in his final year at school and our daughter in her second last year. His sister recently moved in with her father and now he is just living with his mother. He isn’t a very motivated person and is ‘counting down’ until he leaves school. His mother doesn’t expect he will try very hard in his final year and he pretty much does what he wants, as his mother doesn’t want to upset him in case he goes to his father. His mother also suffers from depression since her breakup and the son won’t listen to his father as he “tells him what to do”. I am trying to get some balance in my daughter’s life between her, her boyfriend, us, her friends, sport, study etc etc – but all she sees is him! I have told her that she must spend two nights at home just with us as a family, but she just asks why? She says nobody speaks to her which is untrue, but we also have stuff we have to do sometimes. Do I just lay down the law and answer ‘because’ when she asks why? Should I do anything differently? I feel we never see her much, as she tries to be with him whenever he isn’t at school or doing a part time job. I want her to understand that she is still part of our family and she should still spend time with us doing whatever, hanging out, tv, study etc. I just so scared of losing her that I just cave in a lot to make her happy. Do i need to be more of a parent? Please give me some guideance……..
sincerely

ANSWER:

Stop caving in. You appear weak and she loses respect for you. Yes, she may not like it, but your alternative is to appear weak and then lose respect for yourself because you know you are not doing the right thing. I think a good conversation to have is with the boys mother. If both of you can coordinate things where she doesn’t allow them to hang and you don’t allow them to hang then they simply can’t hang with one another. I do think she needs to spend more “home time” even if people aren’t doing anything. When you let her go out as much as she pleases it feeds into the selfishness that she already has as a teen. When she complains about being home and no one talk to her, she is showing you really how selfish she is. Everything becomes about her. There is some normalcy to this, but I would encourage you to not feed into it. It could be beneficial to incorporate some type of weekly family night so that you guys reconnect with one another. She will be gone soon and you may regret that you didn’t spend more time together as a family. Plus, once a month on one of these family night invite the boyfriend to join in. He needs to be able to connect in a healthy way with other families.
David
www.help4life.net

Figure yourself out…

Creative Solutions — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 21:27:29 +0000

	QUESTION: Hi, I am wondering which is better. To be with a person you have loved your whole life but your lifestyles clash and you have made each other miserable, yet the love is still there…or be with someone who you love, but not as deeply, but gives you everything you have ever wanted in life and a relationship.
	ANSWER: Susan, Neither. I suggest you figure out what is going on in your own head first before you try to figure out how to be in a relationship period. The two situations you describe simply aren’t the only ones in the universe. You have painted yourself into a corner and aren’t you curious to know why? Doing some self-introspection with a professional can give you insight on why you would even settle for these two choices. David www.help4life.net

QUESTION:

Hi,
I am wondering which is better. To be with a person you have loved your whole life but your lifestyles clash and you have made each other miserable, yet the love is still there…or be with someone who you love, but not as deeply, but gives you everything you have ever wanted in life and a relationship.

ANSWER:

Susan,
Neither. I suggest you figure out what is going on in your own head first before you try to figure out how to be in a relationship period. The two situations you describe simply aren’t the only ones in the universe. You have painted yourself into a corner and aren’t you curious to know why? Doing some self-introspection with a professional can give you insight on why you would even settle for these two choices.
David
www.help4life.net